ready to scrrrrrrrream

     I have reached a point in my life where people are on my last nerves.  Not just any people but more so my friends.  They are there when they need me and to be honest, I am sick and tired of always being that rock for everyone.  Who is there for me when I need it?  Not all of my friends are like this, it's just some of them.  They constantly surround me with negativity and I'm over it.  Just really done.  Call me a 'bitch' if you like but it's how I feel now a days.  They complain to me about things that they already know the answer to and it's almost like they are fishing for positive reinforcement, yet, when I tell them what they want  to hear... they tell me how wrong it is.  So what am I suppose to do?  Sit there and allow them to just make me feel negative all of the time.  They say how bad they need me, how bad their lives are right now, yet they fail to realize the crap I am going through.  Do they not know that the death of my best friend's husband (who is a great friend to me and my husband as well) one year mark is fast approaching.  Do they realize that I am going to go through a pregnancy (though I am not the first) while my husband is deployed in a combat zone and I have no family here?  I have friends, but it's not the same as having my childhood friends and family with me.  Nope, guess not.  Apparently I am just too strong to ever break down and just cry because things are getting hard.  Right now, where I am in life, it's getting hard to breath, hard to focus on one thing and keep myself out of the negativity.  Like most people though, they don't really ask how I am doing... they are simply worried about how they are feeling and how they need me to to be there for them.  I AM OVER IT.  I have a certain few friends who do not do this to me.  They may not ask me how I am doing, but this is because they know that life is getting real difficult and I don't need everyone reminding me of the circumstances I am about to go through.  They know without me saying that my heart is breaking and filled with sorrow.  They know the worries that I have.  They don't force me to talk, but they let me know that they are there for me, if I need it.  Which I can call on them.  Again though, I don't have to talk about what's bothering me... all I have to do is call, and they make me laugh. They keep my mind off of things for those few minutes. (or however long our conversation is) and I love that about them. 
Like I said, maybe I am wrong for feeling this way.. but what do you expect. One single person can only give so much before they freaking break.  I've had my fill.  My cup, over flows. 

Life.

     Sometimes I look back and think, was my life what I wanted it to be.  Was it all that I dreamed of?  Well, not really.  But, I like this version a lot better.  As a child I envisioned that I would be married to a man whom I never fought with never had hard times with.  That we lived in that perfect little house right next to my childhood friends and all of our kids were the best of friends.  We had weekend cookouts and get together's and never had one worry in the whole world.  Bleh.  Who would really want that??  It's so normal, plain.
    My life now is with my high school sweetheart.  We have had our fuss and fights, but they always make us stronger.  There were times I wanted to scream and just quit... but that made me realize how strong my love really is for him.  You can only get that mad at someone who you really love. c:  As far as that little house next to my childhood best friend?  Well, my friends moved away, far away, long before we got our own place... and out house now, is that best home I could ask for.  There is little consistency in our house.  But, the only consistency I need is that fact of when my husband can come home, he does and his love for me and our kids never changes.  But, that is all I need.  I don't need to have him home every night.  Yes, I want him hoe but I know that can't happen.  Also, the friends that I have made in our new home, in this new state, are wonderful.  They are there for me whenever I need them to be. They are part of my family.

No, my life isn't what I thought it would be when I was 5, but it's perfect for what I want/need it to be since I was 17.  I couldn't ask for a better husband or kids.  My life is perfect in our own way.  I love that about my family.  Always will and always have. No matter what that will never change. 

Well that's all for now... guess I oght' to be going.  Yall take care and have a blessed day.