rant-ish

     Today is payday, so I went to the commissary to get nutrients for me and the kid.  How I wish I had waited for another day.  After getting my heels hit multiple times by the same person and a small child slamming his squirt gun into my face and then almost being hit by a truck, I found myself screaming in the parking lot. What is wrong with people now a days?!  Have they lost their respect for others, maybe misplaced it.  If they need help finding it, then please ask me and I will help out. 

     Then I come home feeling this great urge to just relax and all I get to see are people with a whole lot of internet courage.  You think I don't know what you are talking about, yet I do.  Difference between me and that person, I'll say what you won't and not think twice about it.  Ask people, they know.  I am tired of being that person that everyone sees as 'safe' and 'friendly'.  It gets me no form of respect.  I bite my tongue a lot because I don't like to hurt people's feelings.  It's not really my thing, but when I have to I will.  It's who I am, it's my nature.  Anyways, I just feel like if you have something to say, just say it to me.  Don't write it online in hopes that I will read it and somehow get this unsaid message.... I got it loud and clear.  All I ask is that you grow up and grow some balls and just get on with it. Tell me how you really feel!!  It's what I expect of people.  It's really all that I ask of anyone.

     I hate pity. I can't stand people who play the pity card.  Fess up to whatever it is that you are feeling and just get on with it.  It's one of my pet peeves.  Just a fore warning.  It's a good way to get bitched out.  If you take offense to what I have to say, get over yourself.  I am hormonal and moody and just really don't have the time to deal with it. 

Anyways, I am done ranting for now.  I guess I will chat chit the shit later. :)

Tamara D

It's not all gumdrops and unicorns.

     So as most of you know (I say this as if I have hundreds of followers, but I appreciate the ones I have!) I am married to a Marine and we have two daughters with another on the way.  Well, he is currently deployed.  I have reached out to some of the women of this BTN to help them....and all I hear from the ones with kids is how they are single parents while they are gone.  No, no you are not.  I have friends who are single parents.  They have to go and work longs shifts to pay the rent and they are the only ones for their kids.  They do not have a date to look forward to so that they can get their kids back in check.  They don't get the nicety of sitting at home with their kids and not have to worry about money because well, their husband is making the money.  It all depends on them.  I am not down playing how hard it is to go from getting help raising your children while your husband is home, and the fact that the kids do act out when they deploy, but at least you have someone who is there for you.  You can say, yeah, it's hard but I am doing this for my husband and for my kids.  A lot of times, these women are all their kids have.  They CONSTANTLY have to be the father and mother and at one point and time in the kids' life they will have to explain to their kids that their dad's just didn't want them so they left.  Think about that.  They only Military wives I feel empathy for are Gold Star Wives.  But, that in itself is a whole different story.
Anyways, another thing that kills me, wives who broadcast their husband's problems to the world.  I don't get it.  Seems like they are more in it for the sympathy.  I know my husband would be upset if I ever talked about any kind of illness he had. (Not saying he does, I am just saying) He would say it's not my business to tell... and he would have a valid point. Where as he is my husband, I feel and strongly believe that certain things should stay between a husband and wife, and not the whole world.  Why would you want to tell everyone about it anyways?? It's nothing to be proud of.  It's not something you brag about.  So why even talk about it? It's not a fashion statement, it's not the new 'rehab'.  I don't know it just kind of gets to me.  I have seen so many wives talk about what is wrong with their husband, and it seems like it's all they want to talk about.  I understand needing that shoulder when things get hard, but really?? Must you talk about it all of the time, bringing it up at every given moment that you can work it into? I just really don't understand some people.  Who knows.  Anyways, thanks for reading!!

Tamara D

Runnin' Rampant

     So, I spent the weekend cleaning my entire place. Front to back, side to side (haha) and I felt so accomplished after doing so.  Then, I realized that the one person who I wanted to brag about it to was gone... away at sea, God knows where doing God knows what. This kind of bummed me out, actually it bummed me out pretty bad.  I have come to see that the further along in this pregnancy I get, the more emotional I get.  (I am 8 months now)

     Right about the time I wanted to break down and cry, our youngest comes in and asks for a bed time story.  So, she grabs her daddy doll, her elly the elephant, and blanket and we go in her and her sister's room to read a story.  Now, I love reading the girls stories at night. It's relaxing to me.  Except for tonight... our youngest asked that I read the story in Daddy's voice. I know you might be thinking "awe how sweet" and it is, but tonight, it was just another reminder that he is gone for the moment.  (sigh) Anyways, I read her the story and then she asks me to read her letter from Daddy that is on the back of her daddy pillow.  After I am finished reading his letter to her, holding in all of my tears, she says to me "mommy, you can hug my daddy pillow if it will make you feel better"  TOTALLY lost it at that point.


     So, all in all I don't know what is going on with my emotions, but they are running rampant.  I hope to get back to my old "I'm tougher than shit and I can do this"  self.  I am not a fan of crying over things I can't change.  On that note, I hope all is well in your lives and I hope everyone had a great weekend.

Much love,
Tamara D

Rough Morning

I haven't blogged for a while, kind of got side tracked, so I am sorry for that. 

After being completely tuckered out from a two week long severe back ache (due to pregnancy) I took half a muscle relaxer and passed out, hoping that it would undo my pain this time around.  It worked.  When I woke up this morning my back felt AMAZING!  Then, as I open my eyes with a smile on my face, I realize that our dog (very emotional, I hate that daddy is deployed kind of dog, who happens to be a husky mix) was pee'ing on our bed. Yeah, it was awesome.  So as I get up and I am yelling a slew of cuss words and our 3 year old is yelling at Bandit how he is a "bad dog" I step in dog crap.  I look down and open my mouth and our 3 year old yells "Mommy don't cuss!!!" as if she totally knew what was coming.  So at this point I am uncontrollably (crazy person) laughing because if I don't laugh I realize I am going to cry.  So, I compose myself and decided to go out into the kitchen so I can start cleaning this nasty-ness up at 0630, only to step in butter that our daughter had spread all over the floor.  I have now stopped laughing and I am just silent.  I think both our dog and 3 year old knows mommy is not happy at this point because our 3 year old took off running dragging our dog to the safety of her room. (haha)

Later on today, our 3 year old walks out of her room to softly (and quite sweetly I might add) if she may watch Shrek 4.  I said yes (even though we have watched it about 30 times this past week) mainly because I really needed to clean. 

Needless to say, after a rough morning I field day cleaned our house and now feel accomplished and I am finally starting to show some love to our dog.

Well, I hope you got a chuckle out of my story.  Have a great day and thanks for reading!!!

First Vent Since He Deployed.

     I am trying to stay positive through this deployment, seeing as I was pretty bad when he was in Afghanistan.  Anyways, our area was hit pretty badly last night by several tornadoes.  Thankfully our home was safe.  Anyways, we lived off a certain road, a lot of my friends know this.... and when the news noted that our road had a tornado touched down, hardly any of them cared to call to see if we were okay.  Even through out the next day. Still no calls.  So once we got our phones working again, and AT&T stopped messing with my calls, I called around on friends to see how they were doing.  They informed me that they heard about how bad things got by where we live, but they figured that if it got too bad I would have called them.  When was I suppose to call?? Maybe while me and my kids are flying through the air??  BUT!!! Friends that I have never met in person were blowing up my fb to make sure that I was okay.   I don't get it.  How is it that most of my friends that claim to be there for me whenever I need it, aren't there, but friends thaT I have never met, freak out and worry about me.  NOW, this doesn't go for my wonderful friend Rach.  I was so freaked over our house, and didn't know whether or not we would have one, she drove me all the way to my house.  She held my hand the whole time, while driving in conditions that I know she wasn't comfortable with.  That my friends, is a die hard true friend right there.  I am so blessed to have a person like her in my life.  Love you Rach!!!

Our 'See you later"

     My husband left Monday to head out on our second deployment.  My emotions were running all crazy through the whole day (seeing as I am pregnant) but I did good and kept it together.  I promised myself he wouldn't see me cry.  After standing out in the rain and 34 degree weather (yes it's winter weather in March) with a couple of good friends we were finally directed to go inside.  (Nice of them to let us know the building was open the whole time).  A really good friend of ours came to see her 'brudder' off (which I know wasn't easy for her) and we had lots of laughs and made some funny memories.  After eating some delish food (thanks for that USO!) and sitting around waiting for a better part of a day we finally got word that it was time to go.  I kept saying to myself, "It's only see you later, you've been through this already, buck up lady." and it seemed to be working great.  As we gave our hugs and kisses and the girls gave daddy their love, I decided that watching the buses leave was just a little much for me.  Me, the kids, and our friends walked out to the cars and chatted for a few minutes. I finally explained that I needed to go because the buses would be leaving soon, I heard the buses start up to leave.  As I rushed to get out of the parking lot so I could beat them, I was stopped.  They let all 26 buses go in front of me.  So yes, I sat there in my car and watched each and every bus pass by me.  Oh, wait it gets better.  Now while I wanted to let some cars get in front of me it didn't happen.  So the Marines motioned for me to go forward, thus having me follow the buses all the way off base. (how fun right) but it didn't stop off base.  They were going to a port that was past where we live so I had to follow them until I turned onto my street.  STILL!!! I did not cry. I was so proud of myself. I really kept it together.  Then at 2200 I got a pregnancy craving for a Philly Cheese Steak Sub. I figured I"ll just have it delivered because I didn't want to drag our girls out in the cold, plus the had been asleep for a couple of hours.  After calling umpteen different places and finding out that they didn't deliver or where closed I had a melt down.  I walked into our room (because if my hubs isn't in the living room that is where he is) and went to ask him to go get a sub for me.  I remembered very quickly that he wasn't in our room or even in our house for that matter... he was on a ship sailing off to an unknown area.  I lost it. Completely had a melt down.  I pulled it together because I remember Domino's makes subs I called them.  They were closing.  Ugh.  After having a melt down with the woman on the phone she promised to have a sub delivered if I would stop crying. Haha.  So a big thanks to Domino's for going above and beyond to get this pregnant emotional lady a sub.   I felt so silly after wards for crying over a sub, but after talking to a good friend, realized I'm allowed to have a break down, I'm pregnant and my husband just left. 
I am feeling much better now that I had that nice long cry and talk.  So here is to a good deployment and fast deployment.

Thanks for reading!

Here's a Funny for you

    My husband left Monday for our 2nd deployment (boo I know) so to calm my nerves I decided to take a nice calm relaxing bath.  I had some soft music playing and was really enjoying it.  I had my eyes closed and when I went to open my eyes I saw a big black spider descending from our ceiling into my relaxing bath!!  As it landed in the water I jump out of the tub (screaming like a toddler who pee'd themselves on the playground)  run into our kitchen (butt naked I might add) to get our raid.  I run back into the bathroom and dowse it with raid.  Yep, ruined my bath water.  After quickly realizing that my relaxing bath was no more, I get dressed and go into the kitchen to discover that our blinds were open!!! OH NO!!!  I am pretty sure my neighbors just might have gotten to see a side of me they never thought they would have. Hahaha. 
     Moral of this story?? Always make sure your blinds are closed when choosing to take a bath, you never know when you might need to bolt through your house with no clothes on!!

Tears in Heaven

     I am sitting here looking at our calendar and it's breaking my heart seeing that tomorrow is exactly one year since a great man gained his wings and went to his duty station in Heaven.  I still can't believe it.  I wish I were able to talk to him instead of talking to a memory page.  We should be saying, "Damn dude, remember where you were a year ago?"  Now, we look back and think of how devastating March 14th (tech March 15th because that is when we found out) was for us all.  I can't believe that it's been a year.  How is that possible.  It felt as if time stood still for the longest time and no one or nothing moved.  We were all just stuck in this void.  Tomorrow I will think of you Jonny with the fondest of memories.  I will think of all of the cookouts we had, the times you and Rach came over to hang out, walking around the Maynia Fair pretending that one of my kids were you and Rach's so that she wouldn't feel left out on Mother's Day (she wanted to be a mommy so bad)  I can't believe that she got her wish with the love of her life, but then the beautiful idea of sharing a lifetime with him was ripped away from her.  I can't imagine how she will feel tomorrow.  I really can't.  I know that it is tearing me up inside. I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to say.  I'm just lost.  Funny thing is, everyone will be walking around thinking of how horrible their lives are and not even stop to think that someone else could be going through hell.  Could be crying over a grave or folded flag wishing that their life was just shitty.  Instead of the life they have now.  But, we can't change the past and I know that Jonny wouldn't want us all sad and moping around on his Angelversary.  It's going to be hard, but I will do my best to stay strong and not let it bother me. 
Miss you and love you Jonny. 
Rest Easy Marine.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF CPL. JONATHAN D. PORTO
MARCH 14, 2010  IN SUPPORT OF OEF
LEST THE BE FORGOTTEN.

ready to scrrrrrrrream

     I have reached a point in my life where people are on my last nerves.  Not just any people but more so my friends.  They are there when they need me and to be honest, I am sick and tired of always being that rock for everyone.  Who is there for me when I need it?  Not all of my friends are like this, it's just some of them.  They constantly surround me with negativity and I'm over it.  Just really done.  Call me a 'bitch' if you like but it's how I feel now a days.  They complain to me about things that they already know the answer to and it's almost like they are fishing for positive reinforcement, yet, when I tell them what they want  to hear... they tell me how wrong it is.  So what am I suppose to do?  Sit there and allow them to just make me feel negative all of the time.  They say how bad they need me, how bad their lives are right now, yet they fail to realize the crap I am going through.  Do they not know that the death of my best friend's husband (who is a great friend to me and my husband as well) one year mark is fast approaching.  Do they realize that I am going to go through a pregnancy (though I am not the first) while my husband is deployed in a combat zone and I have no family here?  I have friends, but it's not the same as having my childhood friends and family with me.  Nope, guess not.  Apparently I am just too strong to ever break down and just cry because things are getting hard.  Right now, where I am in life, it's getting hard to breath, hard to focus on one thing and keep myself out of the negativity.  Like most people though, they don't really ask how I am doing... they are simply worried about how they are feeling and how they need me to to be there for them.  I AM OVER IT.  I have a certain few friends who do not do this to me.  They may not ask me how I am doing, but this is because they know that life is getting real difficult and I don't need everyone reminding me of the circumstances I am about to go through.  They know without me saying that my heart is breaking and filled with sorrow.  They know the worries that I have.  They don't force me to talk, but they let me know that they are there for me, if I need it.  Which I can call on them.  Again though, I don't have to talk about what's bothering me... all I have to do is call, and they make me laugh. They keep my mind off of things for those few minutes. (or however long our conversation is) and I love that about them. 
Like I said, maybe I am wrong for feeling this way.. but what do you expect. One single person can only give so much before they freaking break.  I've had my fill.  My cup, over flows. 

Life.

     Sometimes I look back and think, was my life what I wanted it to be.  Was it all that I dreamed of?  Well, not really.  But, I like this version a lot better.  As a child I envisioned that I would be married to a man whom I never fought with never had hard times with.  That we lived in that perfect little house right next to my childhood friends and all of our kids were the best of friends.  We had weekend cookouts and get together's and never had one worry in the whole world.  Bleh.  Who would really want that??  It's so normal, plain.
    My life now is with my high school sweetheart.  We have had our fuss and fights, but they always make us stronger.  There were times I wanted to scream and just quit... but that made me realize how strong my love really is for him.  You can only get that mad at someone who you really love. c:  As far as that little house next to my childhood best friend?  Well, my friends moved away, far away, long before we got our own place... and out house now, is that best home I could ask for.  There is little consistency in our house.  But, the only consistency I need is that fact of when my husband can come home, he does and his love for me and our kids never changes.  But, that is all I need.  I don't need to have him home every night.  Yes, I want him hoe but I know that can't happen.  Also, the friends that I have made in our new home, in this new state, are wonderful.  They are there for me whenever I need them to be. They are part of my family.

No, my life isn't what I thought it would be when I was 5, but it's perfect for what I want/need it to be since I was 17.  I couldn't ask for a better husband or kids.  My life is perfect in our own way.  I love that about my family.  Always will and always have. No matter what that will never change. 

Well that's all for now... guess I oght' to be going.  Yall take care and have a blessed day.

Oh holy Bandit.

    We have a dog named Bandit.  Not sure how many of you have saw the movie Marley and Me but he is our little Marley.  He's eaten everything possible and a couple of things that make you wonder, how the hell did he do it. Like, my pots for example.  Yep, he chewed those bad boys right up.  All probably because he was mad I went to a friends house.  He's emotional like that.
     Anyways, every time we leave for any amount of time, we always wench when we open the door and NOT see him standing there wagging his tail.  This is because if he isn't at the door it means that he has eaten/pooped/tore up things he shouldn't have.  God knows I love him, and when the sad time comes that he passes on, I won't be crying saying "Good bye clearance puppy" I'll be standing there crying "Goodbye deployment puppy".  I have scars from where he has gotten too rowdy and the house is tainted with teeth and nail marks from times he was left by his lonesome self and about every other day I yell how much I can't stand that damn dog. But, today, I watched our 3 year old lay on the ground next to him and pet him and he just laid there.  He would give her the occasional lick every now and then, but it melted my heart.  He is more of a good dog than he is a bad dog.  I guess I shouldn't get so mad at him, he is just a dog and I would be devastated if we ever lost him.  Just like family members, I now dread yet another day where I will lose another great loved one. 
I guess you could call this my Ode to Bandit.  Just a dog owner professing her love for her pal.  He's not just a man's best friend, he's this whole family's best friend. 

 when he was just a new pup

 another shot of him when he was still "todd"

 Bandit laying in front of the door, his fav. spot to lay

 getting use to his new home.  he was officially bandit then!

 fav sleeping position.

 he hates his picture being taken

 Him laying on his daddy like a damn baby hahaha

His tuggin rope.  He loves that thing!


Well I guess that is all for now.  Not much more to say to all of that.  If you have a dog/cat (even though I'm not a cat person haha) in your life, make sure that you give them extra pets, scratches, and good noms because it lets them know that you do love them. It's like a hug or kiss from your loved one, just in a dogs eyes. 

The Woes of Life, love and everything in between

     Growing up we watch romance movies where the guy chases a woman all over the world (at times) just to prove that he loves her.  He swoons her and shows her in every way how much he loves her and how much she means to him.
     What no one told us was that once we got into a real life relationship, most of the swooning stops after you both confess your love, move in with each other, get married.  Why, I don't know.  It seems that maybe we think we don't have to prove our love anymore. Especially those who are married.  When you think of it, once you are married you have shown your greatest gesture of love.  You have shown that no matter what you have been through with each other you are committing your life to each other til death do you part.
      I think this might be why some marriages/relationships don't work out.  Either both or one of the persons involved stops trying.  I know that when I watch movies and the main couple have had their fights and then at the very end they forgive and kiss....to me that kiss says so much.  Yes, I know it's just a movie and things really don't happen in real life like that... but wouldn't that be amazing?  To literally kiss and everything is better.  Yes, they say you can kiss and makeup. Here is my question, how many of those kisses were like the ones in the movies? The ones that make every part of your being just scream with joy, the kind that make your heart sigh.  I know me and my husband have had some of those kisses... but man how I wish they could all be like that.  But, then again, sometimes, I wish our love was like a movie. No fights, no tears, no heartache. Just love and everything about you and the one that you love.  We live in the real world though where there are bills and surprises (and Murphy's Law) where things never really go the way they should and things are always going wrong. 
     Even though I wish we had that fairy tale romance, I know that our love is perfect, in the way that it needs to be for us.  It is who we are, and perfectly showcases me and my husband.  I couldn't ask for a better love nor a better marriage.
     So, for those who are in doubt. Please know that there is love out there.  You just have to open your eyes, ears, and heart and honestly see what is in front of you.  Don't give up on love. Don't give up on finding that 'fairy tale romance' because deep down, don't we all make our own version of a fairy tale?! 

     Call it hormones from this pregnancy or just call it the bitch inside of me, but anymore things that use to never bother me.. bother me now.

     For example.... America has weakened it's standards.  We have became far too humane. Other countries laugh at us, calling us weak.  Want to know why?! We have become a county that is so worried about being politically correct that we would rather not offend someone (or a group of someones) than say what we need to say.  The gay community... they enlisted into the Military of free will and knew that DADT was in order.  They knew that they were not allowed to come out.  It was one of the rules.  So now, since they are all begging and pleading that they get the right to get married they feel that they shouldn't have to keep it a secret that they are gay.  They feel that if there are any straight service members that feel uncomfortable they should leave. Oh, now wait a second.  So, if we don't like what you do or have to say we either get over it or leave? Yet, if you don't like something we do or say, we have to change it or we are being discriminative?! I don't get that!!! Not in the least. But, I am called closed minded for not "backing up" the gay community.  Well, guess what, my God and my bible and my just beliefs say that something isn't right about two men being together. Same for two women.  I mean to be blunt, one (the female) has a 'hole' and the other (males) have a 'hole poker'.  I just don't think it's right. But I am an American and it's my right to think whatever the hell I would like !!! Is it not?
Moving on...

Racism. Okay people now gather round. Listen good. EYES AND EARS!!  It is only there because people choose to give it the power.  They chose to slam other races for being racist, when in fact you calling me a 'cracker' is racist. Grow up and move on.  Stop calling me a racist pig when you are the only one who refers to themselves in the derogatory word used against you.  You don't hear Mexicans saying, what's up my spick/wetback/beaner, and you sure don't hear Asian saying "Hey you chink/zipperhead.  BUT you hear blacks all the time call other blacks Nigger. Oh God, I said it  lol the infamous N bomb.  Haha.  Doesn't mean that I choose to say this word, but I am typing it out because I have that right as an American to type/speak however I choose.  So meh :/
Moving on again....

Okay, this is a little different, maybe.  Our troops and The War on Terror.  I do not understand how you can say that you support our troops but do not support the GWOT. If you support them, you support all that they do.  You cannot support someone (fully) and yet turn around and not support what they do. It's kind of silly if you ask me.  I hate hearing people give their opinions on this war based on what the media has told them.  I really do.  If you want to open your mouth, go do some research.  Just like those who say that the war is all over oil... guess what.. we have to send oil drums over there for our vehicles.  Now, why would we go to war with them over oil when we are using our own oil and the prices of oil back home were going through the roof. Hmm, sounds a little fishy to me.  I don't know though, I could be wrong. It could just be the republican in me that hates all the mess the democrats are getting us into.  Seriously.  People who claim that the DEM. were doing a better job apparently didn't see what I saw when elections came around. If they were doing so good, why did they Rep. take over? Yeah. Sit on that one Nancy lol.
Moving on-yet again...

Last but not least.  I know this probably upset a few, but anymore I just don't care. Maybe I should go back to writing about my feelings.. but honestly who all is out there in the internet world reading what I have to say. No one comments.. so what's to think that they read?! If they do, I'm sorry if I offended but it's what has been on my mind and I had to get it off my chest.

Good night my fellow bloggers :)

One heck of a Christmas Gift!

Me and the hubs found out that I am pregnant this past Friday.  Now, I'm happy (I mean don't get me wrong) but I'm a little nervous.  Going through a pregnancy during a deployment on my own WITH and additional 2 kids and a dog lol. Doesn't sound like the easiest of times lol. But, I have some really good friends that I know will be there for me so I don't really have any worries there.  Guess we shall just see how things go.

Anyways, I just wanted to share the good news!!!

Thanks for reading!!!! 

this town.......

Before we moved to J Vegas NC, I was a very happy go lucky woman. Nothing really made me upset. I never said things like "I hate people" I loved everyone. BUT. This town, this 'cursed' if you will , town has changed me.  It through me for a loop and shook my whole being.  I am actually seeing the true ugliness that is inside of people.  This makes me sick. I miss home, but only because I can feel more and more of me fading away. I am out of my element here, and to be frank... I don't think I will ever feel right being here. Yes, my husband is here. Yes, my kids are here. Yes, I have some friends here.  Like the black plague this town is consuming my body, breaking me down, tearing me up inside. I didn't think that a town could do that to someone. I would rather stay home than go out. I don't feel like I am me when I am out and about. I never look at the passers by I just look at the ground and hope that no one pisses me off.  To me, that is a very sad thing to admit. Usually I talk to the cashiers and anyone around me. Not now though. I do what I can to get back home as quick as I can. Ugh. I hate this feeling. I have talked to other wives and they say that they feel the same way. So, with that said I know that I am not crazy lol.  
Guess this was just a quick rant. That's all for now.

Back window looking out

No matter how hard I try I do not understand the world and the evil that exists in it. I do not understand the cruel nature of people. I just really cannot grasp this concept that in life people are going to do nothing more than hurt you.  I didn't sign up for this. This isn't the way that we as a people should be treating people.  Why?? 
Growing up we make playground best friends. We never cared what they wore, how they looked, how much money their mom and dad made. All we knew and cared about was that they played the same games as us and well, there was no better scenario than for them to become our best friend.  Then, one day, they have to move away, or maybe you move away, and you are looking through a back windshield crying your eyes out. Oh yea, straight out of a movie. They were your best friend and that will never change. You never forget your childhood friends.
So here is my thing, why is it that when we get older, move out on our own, we chose our friends by their weight, looks, what they wear, (some people even judge how much their income is) or how they act. All of the sudden because we are adults we have to become serious? What about the concept of live, laugh, love.  I always try to laugh like a child at least once a day.  This makes my soul feel better. But, being a Marine Wife made me realize that in this way of life, you have to go back to your roots and make friends on life's  playground. You don't have the time to slowly become friends. Not because you don't chose too, but because their husband's will get relocated. This sucks. One of the wives I am friends with out here is moving Thursday. I mean yes their are phone calls, but we can't come over for dinner. We can't just call each other and go to the bar together. We have to wait, till we take leave to see them. This breaks my heart. I also have another friend who is moving to San Diego in Feb. this is going to be by far the hardest friend to say good bye too.  This is going to kill me. Guess I know how my friends back home felt as I was waving to them and throwing kisses saying that I loved them. I am learning the hard way what it feels like for someone to leave you, instead of you leaving them. I thought telling them that well, we will still see each other was going to work, and it did... for me.  But, with the shoe being on the other foot... this freaking sucks. I just feel like everything is falling apart so quickly and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Nothing I can say, I feel helpless... hopeless even. I know that it's where their life is taking them, and it's probably the best for them. But, where does that leave me? Standing here drowning in my own sorrows? Losing a friend because they have to move.  No one prepared me for this. I don't care how many military wife books you read.. nothing can actually help you get over something like this.  I don't know. Maybe I am over reacting. Maybe I am not. Who cares, it's how I feel right now.

Simple life? I think not.

While talking to a friend the other day, she told me that she thought I had a pretty simple life. Maybe you can imagine how taken  back I was when she said this. There is nothing simple about being a 'stay at home mom' and there definitely isn't anything simple about being a Marine wife.  Yes, I am at home each day but, I handle all of our expenses, our kids, keep the house clean, and other things like that. I make the needed phone calls that directly impact our life. Go ahead and throw in various doctor appointments and I barely have time to think!!!  I get to enjoy my cup of coffee in the morning and maybe one show that I had recorded from the night before.  That is my relaxation. Being a mom never stops. Your kids might be asleep, but you are still up getting things done. It's non stop.  During the deployment, having to do these things all on my own?! Holy cow was that crazy. Just as soon as I would get something finished I would have another problem at my feet. And, I couldn't call Brad to get his input on it. He was over 7 thousand miles away. I couldn't call his cell, I had to wait for him to call me and at one time we had went months without talking.  But, I guess the optimistic side of a deployment is that you find a stronger side of yourself than you knew you could be.  You are mom and dad, homemaker and handyman.  You can't wait till the hubs gets home so you can bitch about things that went wrong with your day, and exactly how are you suppose to complain to your husband when he is in a war zone?!  It's not even so much that your problems are nothing compared to his, with me, it was more because I didn't want him to worry about what was going on back home. I needed to reassure him that he need not focus on us, but on him and his fellow Marines and the tasks that were ahead.  That is not easy. Sometimes when things would go horribly wrong, I just wanted to cry  to him and say I can't take it anymore... but no. I couldn't, no, I wouldn't.  I didn't feel the need to burden him with my problems. Yes, there were times when I had to pretty much jam my POA down people's throat just so I could get things done, but all in all, I made it work the best way that I could. So, after venting all that and seeing where I am in life, no, my life isn't simple, it isn't easy. But, but, but..... I wouldn't trade this life for a simple/easy life. Wouldn't trade it for a million dollars. (okay, maaaaybe for a mil, but I mean we are in a recession right!) I love the honor that is behind our life. I can proudly say that my husband has fought (and will probably do it again)  for this country and I stood by his side through the whole thing. No one can take away that pride. Our daughters know that their daddy is a Hero. He took on a job/life that most wouldn't. I can tell our girls that mommy followed daddy and supported him when most women wouldn't.  These are things that will shape our kids. 
I have met some really great people since my husband has enlisted. Some are still here, some have moved, and sadly, some gave their all for their country. But still, I wouldn't trade my high strung, stressed out, wild, crazy, unpredictable, hurry up and wait life for anything.
So I politely say to those who think my life is simple, uneventful even, you can kiss my hind end.    (hahahaha)
Life is grand. But I wouldn't be the woman I am today, if it weren't for the steps I took in the past. 
Live your life as if there is no tomorrow and dream big.  Dream as big as the canyon.

Semper Fi

I dunno :/

I've reached complete writers block. I guess it might be because nothing eventful has happened.  Rach is back in town and so is Alana, so I can look forward to seeing their beautiful faces! Haha.  Other than that it has just been normal. Which most people would love to have normal, me, I am waiting for something bad to happen!! I know that sounds horrible to say, but in my life, you only get normal for a few days and then every thing goes crazy!  So here I am waiting for the bad news bear to come in and deal out some bad things... maybe if I give him some honey he will go away??? Hahah yea I know, but one can dream right!?  Anyways, I think that is all for now. I might write later on. If something goes on. Maybe I should just do a run through of my every day life. That seems like I could fill in some voids. But, I don't have an eventful life :) Here's to an uneventful life!!
Laters Yall

who am I

I do not want to be defined as a wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, or that girl from high school.
No, this will stop. I am a woman who loves her soul mate with such an extraordinary power that I give my all to him. I am a woman who doesn't sleep well while her kids are away, nor do I stop thinking of them. I am shy, but once we are friends, you can't get me to shut up. I am strong, but only because I can admit that I am weak.  I am courageous, but I will admit when I am scared.  I will go into the dark, as long as someone is holding my hand.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and trust too many. I love to laugh in the most awkward of times. I love to dance in the rain and play in the snow like I am 5 years old. I watch cartoons because it keeps the kid in me alive. I am always looking for a sale, but will splurge on that one item for my husband or our kids. I believe in miracles and dream like a child. I have a very strong faith, but sometimes, I question things in life.  I love to smile even when I am dying on the inside. I push people away when I am afraid of getting hurt.  I am as sweet as can be, till I have had enough. Sometimes I cry for no reason and sometimes, it feels great. I talk to people I have lost in the past, it gives me closure, it helps heal my soul. I am not JUST a title. I am Tamara. One of a kind. I have a slight country twang, and make fun of the very things I say. I laugh when I am called Bill, (short for hillbilly) yet, deep down, wonder if its not a way of making fun of my background.
But I no longer care what other people think, if you don't like what I have to say, don't listen to me, don't talk to me, don't ask me for advice. I will be honest no matter what. Even, if i know, that in the end, it could break someone's heart. BECAUSE, in the end, it's what they NEED to hear, and not what they WANT to hear.
I am a good person and a great friend. I can say this, because I know my worth. I know my value.
I am who I am because of my scarred and tattered past. I wouldn't change it, because it made me, me. I am now happy with the outcome. All things in life happen for a reason. Even though we might not now the why, when we are standing at Heaven's gate, we will know.
One love.

I haven't written in a while, sorry. It's been chaos around here, emotionally. I have been trying to deal with these feelings that I have going on inside of me. So far, fail. Ha ha. So I guess I am going to try to get all my feelings out today, right now.

I have been plagued with this feeling of guilt. I feel guilty because my husband came home, and other Marines didn't. I think of the things I complain about in our day to day lives, then I feel horrible. All I can think is how much Gold Star Wives would love to have their husband's home so they can complain about the small things that they do to get on their nerves. I feel like I am being selfish sometimes.

I have been to 27 funerals since I was 15. You would think that I would be use to death by now. That it wouldn't bother me as bad, now that I am "use" to it. But I am not. Well, not with Jonny's death. It has tore me apart from end to end. I think of how it's not fair (yes I know that sounds childish to say) that he didn't come home like everyone else. I haven't been able to "handle" his death at all. Still, almost 5 months later, I don't have a firm hold on the concept that he isn't coming back. I have cried in the arms of my husband, like I would (I imagine) if I lost my mother. It doesn't take much for me to cry anymore. Movies, songs, pictures, even the scenery. I am lost right now. In my head I am still stuck one March 15, 2010. I am still thinking that it's all wrong. It's like my head can't wrap itself around it. Then I think of how I feel and I think of how Rach feels. Then, I feel horrible for feeling the way that I do. I don't understand what is going on in my head right now. I feel so...."out of whack". Not sure what to do. I talk to God, I talk to Jonny... I have found that I am talking to those I can't see a lot more now a days. This, is not new to me. I am use to talking to people who I have lost. It gives me comfort. Not sure why, but it does.
Well that is all for now.