I am sitting here looking at our calendar and it's breaking my heart seeing that tomorrow is exactly one year since a great man gained his wings and went to his duty station in Heaven. I still can't believe it. I wish I were able to talk to him instead of talking to a memory page. We should be saying, "Damn dude, remember where you were a year ago?" Now, we look back and think of how devastating March 14th (tech March 15th because that is when we found out) was for us all. I can't believe that it's been a year. How is that possible. It felt as if time stood still for the longest time and no one or nothing moved. We were all just stuck in this void. Tomorrow I will think of you Jonny with the fondest of memories. I will think of all of the cookouts we had, the times you and Rach came over to hang out, walking around the Maynia Fair pretending that one of my kids were you and Rach's so that she wouldn't feel left out on Mother's Day (she wanted to be a mommy so bad) I can't believe that she got her wish with the love of her life, but then the beautiful idea of sharing a lifetime with him was ripped away from her. I can't imagine how she will feel tomorrow. I really can't. I know that it is tearing me up inside. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I'm just lost. Funny thing is, everyone will be walking around thinking of how horrible their lives are and not even stop to think that someone else could be going through hell. Could be crying over a grave or folded flag wishing that their life was just shitty. Instead of the life they have now. But, we can't change the past and I know that Jonny wouldn't want us all sad and moping around on his Angelversary. It's going to be hard, but I will do my best to stay strong and not let it bother me.
Miss you and love you Jonny.
Rest Easy Marine.
IN LOVING MEMORY OF CPL. JONATHAN D. PORTO
MARCH 14, 2010 IN SUPPORT OF OEF
LEST THE BE FORGOTTEN.
13 March 2011
22 February 2011
ready to scrrrrrrrream
I have reached a point in my life where people are on my last nerves. Not just any people but more so my friends. They are there when they need me and to be honest, I am sick and tired of always being that rock for everyone. Who is there for me when I need it? Not all of my friends are like this, it's just some of them. They constantly surround me with negativity and I'm over it. Just really done. Call me a 'bitch' if you like but it's how I feel now a days. They complain to me about things that they already know the answer to and it's almost like they are fishing for positive reinforcement, yet, when I tell them what they want to hear... they tell me how wrong it is. So what am I suppose to do? Sit there and allow them to just make me feel negative all of the time. They say how bad they need me, how bad their lives are right now, yet they fail to realize the crap I am going through. Do they not know that the death of my best friend's husband (who is a great friend to me and my husband as well) one year mark is fast approaching. Do they realize that I am going to go through a pregnancy (though I am not the first) while my husband is deployed in a combat zone and I have no family here? I have friends, but it's not the same as having my childhood friends and family with me. Nope, guess not. Apparently I am just too strong to ever break down and just cry because things are getting hard. Right now, where I am in life, it's getting hard to breath, hard to focus on one thing and keep myself out of the negativity. Like most people though, they don't really ask how I am doing... they are simply worried about how they are feeling and how they need me to to be there for them. I AM OVER IT. I have a certain few friends who do not do this to me. They may not ask me how I am doing, but this is because they know that life is getting real difficult and I don't need everyone reminding me of the circumstances I am about to go through. They know without me saying that my heart is breaking and filled with sorrow. They know the worries that I have. They don't force me to talk, but they let me know that they are there for me, if I need it. Which I can call on them. Again though, I don't have to talk about what's bothering me... all I have to do is call, and they make me laugh. They keep my mind off of things for those few minutes. (or however long our conversation is) and I love that about them.
Like I said, maybe I am wrong for feeling this way.. but what do you expect. One single person can only give so much before they freaking break. I've had my fill. My cup, over flows.
Like I said, maybe I am wrong for feeling this way.. but what do you expect. One single person can only give so much before they freaking break. I've had my fill. My cup, over flows.
06 February 2011
Life.
Sometimes I look back and think, was my life what I wanted it to be. Was it all that I dreamed of? Well, not really. But, I like this version a lot better. As a child I envisioned that I would be married to a man whom I never fought with never had hard times with. That we lived in that perfect little house right next to my childhood friends and all of our kids were the best of friends. We had weekend cookouts and get together's and never had one worry in the whole world. Bleh. Who would really want that?? It's so normal, plain.
My life now is with my high school sweetheart. We have had our fuss and fights, but they always make us stronger. There were times I wanted to scream and just quit... but that made me realize how strong my love really is for him. You can only get that mad at someone who you really love. c: As far as that little house next to my childhood best friend? Well, my friends moved away, far away, long before we got our own place... and out house now, is that best home I could ask for. There is little consistency in our house. But, the only consistency I need is that fact of when my husband can come home, he does and his love for me and our kids never changes. But, that is all I need. I don't need to have him home every night. Yes, I want him hoe but I know that can't happen. Also, the friends that I have made in our new home, in this new state, are wonderful. They are there for me whenever I need them to be. They are part of my family.
No, my life isn't what I thought it would be when I was 5, but it's perfect for what I want/need it to be since I was 17. I couldn't ask for a better husband or kids. My life is perfect in our own way. I love that about my family. Always will and always have. No matter what that will never change.
Well that's all for now... guess I oght' to be going. Yall take care and have a blessed day.
My life now is with my high school sweetheart. We have had our fuss and fights, but they always make us stronger. There were times I wanted to scream and just quit... but that made me realize how strong my love really is for him. You can only get that mad at someone who you really love. c: As far as that little house next to my childhood best friend? Well, my friends moved away, far away, long before we got our own place... and out house now, is that best home I could ask for. There is little consistency in our house. But, the only consistency I need is that fact of when my husband can come home, he does and his love for me and our kids never changes. But, that is all I need. I don't need to have him home every night. Yes, I want him hoe but I know that can't happen. Also, the friends that I have made in our new home, in this new state, are wonderful. They are there for me whenever I need them to be. They are part of my family.
No, my life isn't what I thought it would be when I was 5, but it's perfect for what I want/need it to be since I was 17. I couldn't ask for a better husband or kids. My life is perfect in our own way. I love that about my family. Always will and always have. No matter what that will never change.
Well that's all for now... guess I oght' to be going. Yall take care and have a blessed day.
19 January 2011
Oh holy Bandit.
We have a dog named Bandit. Not sure how many of you have saw the movie Marley and Me but he is our little Marley. He's eaten everything possible and a couple of things that make you wonder, how the hell did he do it. Like, my pots for example. Yep, he chewed those bad boys right up. All probably because he was mad I went to a friends house. He's emotional like that.
Anyways, every time we leave for any amount of time, we always wench when we open the door and NOT see him standing there wagging his tail. This is because if he isn't at the door it means that he has eaten/pooped/tore up things he shouldn't have. God knows I love him, and when the sad time comes that he passes on, I won't be crying saying "Good bye clearance puppy" I'll be standing there crying "Goodbye deployment puppy". I have scars from where he has gotten too rowdy and the house is tainted with teeth and nail marks from times he was left by his lonesome self and about every other day I yell how much I can't stand that damn dog. But, today, I watched our 3 year old lay on the ground next to him and pet him and he just laid there. He would give her the occasional lick every now and then, but it melted my heart. He is more of a good dog than he is a bad dog. I guess I shouldn't get so mad at him, he is just a dog and I would be devastated if we ever lost him. Just like family members, I now dread yet another day where I will lose another great loved one.
I guess you could call this my Ode to Bandit. Just a dog owner professing her love for her pal. He's not just a man's best friend, he's this whole family's best friend.
when he was just a new pup
another shot of him when he was still "todd"
Bandit laying in front of the door, his fav. spot to lay
getting use to his new home. he was officially bandit then!
fav sleeping position.
he hates his picture being taken
Him laying on his daddy like a damn baby hahaha
His tuggin rope. He loves that thing!
Well I guess that is all for now. Not much more to say to all of that. If you have a dog/cat (even though I'm not a cat person haha) in your life, make sure that you give them extra pets, scratches, and good noms because it lets them know that you do love them. It's like a hug or kiss from your loved one, just in a dogs eyes.
Anyways, every time we leave for any amount of time, we always wench when we open the door and NOT see him standing there wagging his tail. This is because if he isn't at the door it means that he has eaten/pooped/tore up things he shouldn't have. God knows I love him, and when the sad time comes that he passes on, I won't be crying saying "Good bye clearance puppy" I'll be standing there crying "Goodbye deployment puppy". I have scars from where he has gotten too rowdy and the house is tainted with teeth and nail marks from times he was left by his lonesome self and about every other day I yell how much I can't stand that damn dog. But, today, I watched our 3 year old lay on the ground next to him and pet him and he just laid there. He would give her the occasional lick every now and then, but it melted my heart. He is more of a good dog than he is a bad dog. I guess I shouldn't get so mad at him, he is just a dog and I would be devastated if we ever lost him. Just like family members, I now dread yet another day where I will lose another great loved one.
I guess you could call this my Ode to Bandit. Just a dog owner professing her love for her pal. He's not just a man's best friend, he's this whole family's best friend.
Well I guess that is all for now. Not much more to say to all of that. If you have a dog/cat (even though I'm not a cat person haha) in your life, make sure that you give them extra pets, scratches, and good noms because it lets them know that you do love them. It's like a hug or kiss from your loved one, just in a dogs eyes.
29 December 2010
The Woes of Life, love and everything in between
Growing up we watch romance movies where the guy chases a woman all over the world (at times) just to prove that he loves her. He swoons her and shows her in every way how much he loves her and how much she means to him.
What no one told us was that once we got into a real life relationship, most of the swooning stops after you both confess your love, move in with each other, get married. Why, I don't know. It seems that maybe we think we don't have to prove our love anymore. Especially those who are married. When you think of it, once you are married you have shown your greatest gesture of love. You have shown that no matter what you have been through with each other you are committing your life to each other til death do you part.
I think this might be why some marriages/relationships don't work out. Either both or one of the persons involved stops trying. I know that when I watch movies and the main couple have had their fights and then at the very end they forgive and kiss....to me that kiss says so much. Yes, I know it's just a movie and things really don't happen in real life like that... but wouldn't that be amazing? To literally kiss and everything is better. Yes, they say you can kiss and makeup. Here is my question, how many of those kisses were like the ones in the movies? The ones that make every part of your being just scream with joy, the kind that make your heart sigh. I know me and my husband have had some of those kisses... but man how I wish they could all be like that. But, then again, sometimes, I wish our love was like a movie. No fights, no tears, no heartache. Just love and everything about you and the one that you love. We live in the real world though where there are bills and surprises (and Murphy's Law) where things never really go the way they should and things are always going wrong.
Even though I wish we had that fairy tale romance, I know that our love is perfect, in the way that it needs to be for us. It is who we are, and perfectly showcases me and my husband. I couldn't ask for a better love nor a better marriage.
So, for those who are in doubt. Please know that there is love out there. You just have to open your eyes, ears, and heart and honestly see what is in front of you. Don't give up on love. Don't give up on finding that 'fairy tale romance' because deep down, don't we all make our own version of a fairy tale?!
What no one told us was that once we got into a real life relationship, most of the swooning stops after you both confess your love, move in with each other, get married. Why, I don't know. It seems that maybe we think we don't have to prove our love anymore. Especially those who are married. When you think of it, once you are married you have shown your greatest gesture of love. You have shown that no matter what you have been through with each other you are committing your life to each other til death do you part.
I think this might be why some marriages/relationships don't work out. Either both or one of the persons involved stops trying. I know that when I watch movies and the main couple have had their fights and then at the very end they forgive and kiss....to me that kiss says so much. Yes, I know it's just a movie and things really don't happen in real life like that... but wouldn't that be amazing? To literally kiss and everything is better. Yes, they say you can kiss and makeup. Here is my question, how many of those kisses were like the ones in the movies? The ones that make every part of your being just scream with joy, the kind that make your heart sigh. I know me and my husband have had some of those kisses... but man how I wish they could all be like that. But, then again, sometimes, I wish our love was like a movie. No fights, no tears, no heartache. Just love and everything about you and the one that you love. We live in the real world though where there are bills and surprises (and Murphy's Law) where things never really go the way they should and things are always going wrong.
Even though I wish we had that fairy tale romance, I know that our love is perfect, in the way that it needs to be for us. It is who we are, and perfectly showcases me and my husband. I couldn't ask for a better love nor a better marriage.
So, for those who are in doubt. Please know that there is love out there. You just have to open your eyes, ears, and heart and honestly see what is in front of you. Don't give up on love. Don't give up on finding that 'fairy tale romance' because deep down, don't we all make our own version of a fairy tale?!
23 December 2010
Call it hormones from this pregnancy or just call it the bitch inside of me, but anymore things that use to never bother me.. bother me now.
For example.... America has weakened it's standards. We have became far too humane. Other countries laugh at us, calling us weak. Want to know why?! We have become a county that is so worried about being politically correct that we would rather not offend someone (or a group of someones) than say what we need to say. The gay community... they enlisted into the Military of free will and knew that DADT was in order. They knew that they were not allowed to come out. It was one of the rules. So now, since they are all begging and pleading that they get the right to get married they feel that they shouldn't have to keep it a secret that they are gay. They feel that if there are any straight service members that feel uncomfortable they should leave. Oh, now wait a second. So, if we don't like what you do or have to say we either get over it or leave? Yet, if you don't like something we do or say, we have to change it or we are being discriminative?! I don't get that!!! Not in the least. But, I am called closed minded for not "backing up" the gay community. Well, guess what, my God and my bible and my just beliefs say that something isn't right about two men being together. Same for two women. I mean to be blunt, one (the female) has a 'hole' and the other (males) have a 'hole poker'. I just don't think it's right. But I am an American and it's my right to think whatever the hell I would like !!! Is it not?
Moving on...
Racism. Okay people now gather round. Listen good. EYES AND EARS!! It is only there because people choose to give it the power. They chose to slam other races for being racist, when in fact you calling me a 'cracker' is racist. Grow up and move on. Stop calling me a racist pig when you are the only one who refers to themselves in the derogatory word used against you. You don't hear Mexicans saying, what's up my spick/wetback/beaner, and you sure don't hear Asian saying "Hey you chink/zipperhead. BUT you hear blacks all the time call other blacks Nigger. Oh God, I said it lol the infamous N bomb. Haha. Doesn't mean that I choose to say this word, but I am typing it out because I have that right as an American to type/speak however I choose. So meh :/
Moving on again....
Okay, this is a little different, maybe. Our troops and The War on Terror. I do not understand how you can say that you support our troops but do not support the GWOT. If you support them, you support all that they do. You cannot support someone (fully) and yet turn around and not support what they do. It's kind of silly if you ask me. I hate hearing people give their opinions on this war based on what the media has told them. I really do. If you want to open your mouth, go do some research. Just like those who say that the war is all over oil... guess what.. we have to send oil drums over there for our vehicles. Now, why would we go to war with them over oil when we are using our own oil and the prices of oil back home were going through the roof. Hmm, sounds a little fishy to me. I don't know though, I could be wrong. It could just be the republican in me that hates all the mess the democrats are getting us into. Seriously. People who claim that the DEM. were doing a better job apparently didn't see what I saw when elections came around. If they were doing so good, why did they Rep. take over? Yeah. Sit on that one Nancy lol.
Moving on-yet again...
Last but not least. I know this probably upset a few, but anymore I just don't care. Maybe I should go back to writing about my feelings.. but honestly who all is out there in the internet world reading what I have to say. No one comments.. so what's to think that they read?! If they do, I'm sorry if I offended but it's what has been on my mind and I had to get it off my chest.
Good night my fellow bloggers :)
For example.... America has weakened it's standards. We have became far too humane. Other countries laugh at us, calling us weak. Want to know why?! We have become a county that is so worried about being politically correct that we would rather not offend someone (or a group of someones) than say what we need to say. The gay community... they enlisted into the Military of free will and knew that DADT was in order. They knew that they were not allowed to come out. It was one of the rules. So now, since they are all begging and pleading that they get the right to get married they feel that they shouldn't have to keep it a secret that they are gay. They feel that if there are any straight service members that feel uncomfortable they should leave. Oh, now wait a second. So, if we don't like what you do or have to say we either get over it or leave? Yet, if you don't like something we do or say, we have to change it or we are being discriminative?! I don't get that!!! Not in the least. But, I am called closed minded for not "backing up" the gay community. Well, guess what, my God and my bible and my just beliefs say that something isn't right about two men being together. Same for two women. I mean to be blunt, one (the female) has a 'hole' and the other (males) have a 'hole poker'. I just don't think it's right. But I am an American and it's my right to think whatever the hell I would like !!! Is it not?
Moving on...
Racism. Okay people now gather round. Listen good. EYES AND EARS!! It is only there because people choose to give it the power. They chose to slam other races for being racist, when in fact you calling me a 'cracker' is racist. Grow up and move on. Stop calling me a racist pig when you are the only one who refers to themselves in the derogatory word used against you. You don't hear Mexicans saying, what's up my spick/wetback/beaner, and you sure don't hear Asian saying "Hey you chink/zipperhead. BUT you hear blacks all the time call other blacks Nigger. Oh God, I said it lol the infamous N bomb. Haha. Doesn't mean that I choose to say this word, but I am typing it out because I have that right as an American to type/speak however I choose. So meh :/
Moving on again....
Okay, this is a little different, maybe. Our troops and The War on Terror. I do not understand how you can say that you support our troops but do not support the GWOT. If you support them, you support all that they do. You cannot support someone (fully) and yet turn around and not support what they do. It's kind of silly if you ask me. I hate hearing people give their opinions on this war based on what the media has told them. I really do. If you want to open your mouth, go do some research. Just like those who say that the war is all over oil... guess what.. we have to send oil drums over there for our vehicles. Now, why would we go to war with them over oil when we are using our own oil and the prices of oil back home were going through the roof. Hmm, sounds a little fishy to me. I don't know though, I could be wrong. It could just be the republican in me that hates all the mess the democrats are getting us into. Seriously. People who claim that the DEM. were doing a better job apparently didn't see what I saw when elections came around. If they were doing so good, why did they Rep. take over? Yeah. Sit on that one Nancy lol.
Moving on-yet again...
Last but not least. I know this probably upset a few, but anymore I just don't care. Maybe I should go back to writing about my feelings.. but honestly who all is out there in the internet world reading what I have to say. No one comments.. so what's to think that they read?! If they do, I'm sorry if I offended but it's what has been on my mind and I had to get it off my chest.
Good night my fellow bloggers :)
One heck of a Christmas Gift!
Me and the hubs found out that I am pregnant this past Friday. Now, I'm happy (I mean don't get me wrong) but I'm a little nervous. Going through a pregnancy during a deployment on my own WITH and additional 2 kids and a dog lol. Doesn't sound like the easiest of times lol. But, I have some really good friends that I know will be there for me so I don't really have any worries there. Guess we shall just see how things go.
Anyways, I just wanted to share the good news!!!
Thanks for reading!!!!
Anyways, I just wanted to share the good news!!!
Thanks for reading!!!!
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