I haven't written in a while, sorry. It's been chaos around here, emotionally. I have been trying to deal with these feelings that I have going on inside of me. So far, fail. Ha ha. So I guess I am going to try to get all my feelings out today, right now.

I have been plagued with this feeling of guilt. I feel guilty because my husband came home, and other Marines didn't. I think of the things I complain about in our day to day lives, then I feel horrible. All I can think is how much Gold Star Wives would love to have their husband's home so they can complain about the small things that they do to get on their nerves. I feel like I am being selfish sometimes.

I have been to 27 funerals since I was 15. You would think that I would be use to death by now. That it wouldn't bother me as bad, now that I am "use" to it. But I am not. Well, not with Jonny's death. It has tore me apart from end to end. I think of how it's not fair (yes I know that sounds childish to say) that he didn't come home like everyone else. I haven't been able to "handle" his death at all. Still, almost 5 months later, I don't have a firm hold on the concept that he isn't coming back. I have cried in the arms of my husband, like I would (I imagine) if I lost my mother. It doesn't take much for me to cry anymore. Movies, songs, pictures, even the scenery. I am lost right now. In my head I am still stuck one March 15, 2010. I am still thinking that it's all wrong. It's like my head can't wrap itself around it. Then I think of how I feel and I think of how Rach feels. Then, I feel horrible for feeling the way that I do. I don't understand what is going on in my head right now. I feel so...."out of whack". Not sure what to do. I talk to God, I talk to Jonny... I have found that I am talking to those I can't see a lot more now a days. This, is not new to me. I am use to talking to people who I have lost. It gives me comfort. Not sure why, but it does.
Well that is all for now.