The Woes of Life, love and everything in between

     Growing up we watch romance movies where the guy chases a woman all over the world (at times) just to prove that he loves her.  He swoons her and shows her in every way how much he loves her and how much she means to him.
     What no one told us was that once we got into a real life relationship, most of the swooning stops after you both confess your love, move in with each other, get married.  Why, I don't know.  It seems that maybe we think we don't have to prove our love anymore. Especially those who are married.  When you think of it, once you are married you have shown your greatest gesture of love.  You have shown that no matter what you have been through with each other you are committing your life to each other til death do you part.
      I think this might be why some marriages/relationships don't work out.  Either both or one of the persons involved stops trying.  I know that when I watch movies and the main couple have had their fights and then at the very end they forgive and kiss....to me that kiss says so much.  Yes, I know it's just a movie and things really don't happen in real life like that... but wouldn't that be amazing?  To literally kiss and everything is better.  Yes, they say you can kiss and makeup. Here is my question, how many of those kisses were like the ones in the movies? The ones that make every part of your being just scream with joy, the kind that make your heart sigh.  I know me and my husband have had some of those kisses... but man how I wish they could all be like that.  But, then again, sometimes, I wish our love was like a movie. No fights, no tears, no heartache. Just love and everything about you and the one that you love.  We live in the real world though where there are bills and surprises (and Murphy's Law) where things never really go the way they should and things are always going wrong. 
     Even though I wish we had that fairy tale romance, I know that our love is perfect, in the way that it needs to be for us.  It is who we are, and perfectly showcases me and my husband.  I couldn't ask for a better love nor a better marriage.
     So, for those who are in doubt. Please know that there is love out there.  You just have to open your eyes, ears, and heart and honestly see what is in front of you.  Don't give up on love. Don't give up on finding that 'fairy tale romance' because deep down, don't we all make our own version of a fairy tale?! 

     Call it hormones from this pregnancy or just call it the bitch inside of me, but anymore things that use to never bother me.. bother me now.

     For example.... America has weakened it's standards.  We have became far too humane. Other countries laugh at us, calling us weak.  Want to know why?! We have become a county that is so worried about being politically correct that we would rather not offend someone (or a group of someones) than say what we need to say.  The gay community... they enlisted into the Military of free will and knew that DADT was in order.  They knew that they were not allowed to come out.  It was one of the rules.  So now, since they are all begging and pleading that they get the right to get married they feel that they shouldn't have to keep it a secret that they are gay.  They feel that if there are any straight service members that feel uncomfortable they should leave. Oh, now wait a second.  So, if we don't like what you do or have to say we either get over it or leave? Yet, if you don't like something we do or say, we have to change it or we are being discriminative?! I don't get that!!! Not in the least. But, I am called closed minded for not "backing up" the gay community.  Well, guess what, my God and my bible and my just beliefs say that something isn't right about two men being together. Same for two women.  I mean to be blunt, one (the female) has a 'hole' and the other (males) have a 'hole poker'.  I just don't think it's right. But I am an American and it's my right to think whatever the hell I would like !!! Is it not?
Moving on...

Racism. Okay people now gather round. Listen good. EYES AND EARS!!  It is only there because people choose to give it the power.  They chose to slam other races for being racist, when in fact you calling me a 'cracker' is racist. Grow up and move on.  Stop calling me a racist pig when you are the only one who refers to themselves in the derogatory word used against you.  You don't hear Mexicans saying, what's up my spick/wetback/beaner, and you sure don't hear Asian saying "Hey you chink/zipperhead.  BUT you hear blacks all the time call other blacks Nigger. Oh God, I said it  lol the infamous N bomb.  Haha.  Doesn't mean that I choose to say this word, but I am typing it out because I have that right as an American to type/speak however I choose.  So meh :/
Moving on again....

Okay, this is a little different, maybe.  Our troops and The War on Terror.  I do not understand how you can say that you support our troops but do not support the GWOT. If you support them, you support all that they do.  You cannot support someone (fully) and yet turn around and not support what they do. It's kind of silly if you ask me.  I hate hearing people give their opinions on this war based on what the media has told them.  I really do.  If you want to open your mouth, go do some research.  Just like those who say that the war is all over oil... guess what.. we have to send oil drums over there for our vehicles.  Now, why would we go to war with them over oil when we are using our own oil and the prices of oil back home were going through the roof. Hmm, sounds a little fishy to me.  I don't know though, I could be wrong. It could just be the republican in me that hates all the mess the democrats are getting us into.  Seriously.  People who claim that the DEM. were doing a better job apparently didn't see what I saw when elections came around. If they were doing so good, why did they Rep. take over? Yeah. Sit on that one Nancy lol.
Moving on-yet again...

Last but not least.  I know this probably upset a few, but anymore I just don't care. Maybe I should go back to writing about my feelings.. but honestly who all is out there in the internet world reading what I have to say. No one comments.. so what's to think that they read?! If they do, I'm sorry if I offended but it's what has been on my mind and I had to get it off my chest.

Good night my fellow bloggers :)

One heck of a Christmas Gift!

Me and the hubs found out that I am pregnant this past Friday.  Now, I'm happy (I mean don't get me wrong) but I'm a little nervous.  Going through a pregnancy during a deployment on my own WITH and additional 2 kids and a dog lol. Doesn't sound like the easiest of times lol. But, I have some really good friends that I know will be there for me so I don't really have any worries there.  Guess we shall just see how things go.

Anyways, I just wanted to share the good news!!!

Thanks for reading!!!! 

this town.......

Before we moved to J Vegas NC, I was a very happy go lucky woman. Nothing really made me upset. I never said things like "I hate people" I loved everyone. BUT. This town, this 'cursed' if you will , town has changed me.  It through me for a loop and shook my whole being.  I am actually seeing the true ugliness that is inside of people.  This makes me sick. I miss home, but only because I can feel more and more of me fading away. I am out of my element here, and to be frank... I don't think I will ever feel right being here. Yes, my husband is here. Yes, my kids are here. Yes, I have some friends here.  Like the black plague this town is consuming my body, breaking me down, tearing me up inside. I didn't think that a town could do that to someone. I would rather stay home than go out. I don't feel like I am me when I am out and about. I never look at the passers by I just look at the ground and hope that no one pisses me off.  To me, that is a very sad thing to admit. Usually I talk to the cashiers and anyone around me. Not now though. I do what I can to get back home as quick as I can. Ugh. I hate this feeling. I have talked to other wives and they say that they feel the same way. So, with that said I know that I am not crazy lol.  
Guess this was just a quick rant. That's all for now.

Back window looking out

No matter how hard I try I do not understand the world and the evil that exists in it. I do not understand the cruel nature of people. I just really cannot grasp this concept that in life people are going to do nothing more than hurt you.  I didn't sign up for this. This isn't the way that we as a people should be treating people.  Why?? 
Growing up we make playground best friends. We never cared what they wore, how they looked, how much money their mom and dad made. All we knew and cared about was that they played the same games as us and well, there was no better scenario than for them to become our best friend.  Then, one day, they have to move away, or maybe you move away, and you are looking through a back windshield crying your eyes out. Oh yea, straight out of a movie. They were your best friend and that will never change. You never forget your childhood friends.
So here is my thing, why is it that when we get older, move out on our own, we chose our friends by their weight, looks, what they wear, (some people even judge how much their income is) or how they act. All of the sudden because we are adults we have to become serious? What about the concept of live, laugh, love.  I always try to laugh like a child at least once a day.  This makes my soul feel better. But, being a Marine Wife made me realize that in this way of life, you have to go back to your roots and make friends on life's  playground. You don't have the time to slowly become friends. Not because you don't chose too, but because their husband's will get relocated. This sucks. One of the wives I am friends with out here is moving Thursday. I mean yes their are phone calls, but we can't come over for dinner. We can't just call each other and go to the bar together. We have to wait, till we take leave to see them. This breaks my heart. I also have another friend who is moving to San Diego in Feb. this is going to be by far the hardest friend to say good bye too.  This is going to kill me. Guess I know how my friends back home felt as I was waving to them and throwing kisses saying that I loved them. I am learning the hard way what it feels like for someone to leave you, instead of you leaving them. I thought telling them that well, we will still see each other was going to work, and it did... for me.  But, with the shoe being on the other foot... this freaking sucks. I just feel like everything is falling apart so quickly and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Nothing I can say, I feel helpless... hopeless even. I know that it's where their life is taking them, and it's probably the best for them. But, where does that leave me? Standing here drowning in my own sorrows? Losing a friend because they have to move.  No one prepared me for this. I don't care how many military wife books you read.. nothing can actually help you get over something like this.  I don't know. Maybe I am over reacting. Maybe I am not. Who cares, it's how I feel right now.

Simple life? I think not.

While talking to a friend the other day, she told me that she thought I had a pretty simple life. Maybe you can imagine how taken  back I was when she said this. There is nothing simple about being a 'stay at home mom' and there definitely isn't anything simple about being a Marine wife.  Yes, I am at home each day but, I handle all of our expenses, our kids, keep the house clean, and other things like that. I make the needed phone calls that directly impact our life. Go ahead and throw in various doctor appointments and I barely have time to think!!!  I get to enjoy my cup of coffee in the morning and maybe one show that I had recorded from the night before.  That is my relaxation. Being a mom never stops. Your kids might be asleep, but you are still up getting things done. It's non stop.  During the deployment, having to do these things all on my own?! Holy cow was that crazy. Just as soon as I would get something finished I would have another problem at my feet. And, I couldn't call Brad to get his input on it. He was over 7 thousand miles away. I couldn't call his cell, I had to wait for him to call me and at one time we had went months without talking.  But, I guess the optimistic side of a deployment is that you find a stronger side of yourself than you knew you could be.  You are mom and dad, homemaker and handyman.  You can't wait till the hubs gets home so you can bitch about things that went wrong with your day, and exactly how are you suppose to complain to your husband when he is in a war zone?!  It's not even so much that your problems are nothing compared to his, with me, it was more because I didn't want him to worry about what was going on back home. I needed to reassure him that he need not focus on us, but on him and his fellow Marines and the tasks that were ahead.  That is not easy. Sometimes when things would go horribly wrong, I just wanted to cry  to him and say I can't take it anymore... but no. I couldn't, no, I wouldn't.  I didn't feel the need to burden him with my problems. Yes, there were times when I had to pretty much jam my POA down people's throat just so I could get things done, but all in all, I made it work the best way that I could. So, after venting all that and seeing where I am in life, no, my life isn't simple, it isn't easy. But, but, but..... I wouldn't trade this life for a simple/easy life. Wouldn't trade it for a million dollars. (okay, maaaaybe for a mil, but I mean we are in a recession right!) I love the honor that is behind our life. I can proudly say that my husband has fought (and will probably do it again)  for this country and I stood by his side through the whole thing. No one can take away that pride. Our daughters know that their daddy is a Hero. He took on a job/life that most wouldn't. I can tell our girls that mommy followed daddy and supported him when most women wouldn't.  These are things that will shape our kids. 
I have met some really great people since my husband has enlisted. Some are still here, some have moved, and sadly, some gave their all for their country. But still, I wouldn't trade my high strung, stressed out, wild, crazy, unpredictable, hurry up and wait life for anything.
So I politely say to those who think my life is simple, uneventful even, you can kiss my hind end.    (hahahaha)
Life is grand. But I wouldn't be the woman I am today, if it weren't for the steps I took in the past. 
Live your life as if there is no tomorrow and dream big.  Dream as big as the canyon.

Semper Fi

I dunno :/

I've reached complete writers block. I guess it might be because nothing eventful has happened.  Rach is back in town and so is Alana, so I can look forward to seeing their beautiful faces! Haha.  Other than that it has just been normal. Which most people would love to have normal, me, I am waiting for something bad to happen!! I know that sounds horrible to say, but in my life, you only get normal for a few days and then every thing goes crazy!  So here I am waiting for the bad news bear to come in and deal out some bad things... maybe if I give him some honey he will go away??? Hahah yea I know, but one can dream right!?  Anyways, I think that is all for now. I might write later on. If something goes on. Maybe I should just do a run through of my every day life. That seems like I could fill in some voids. But, I don't have an eventful life :) Here's to an uneventful life!!
Laters Yall

who am I

I do not want to be defined as a wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, or that girl from high school.
No, this will stop. I am a woman who loves her soul mate with such an extraordinary power that I give my all to him. I am a woman who doesn't sleep well while her kids are away, nor do I stop thinking of them. I am shy, but once we are friends, you can't get me to shut up. I am strong, but only because I can admit that I am weak.  I am courageous, but I will admit when I am scared.  I will go into the dark, as long as someone is holding my hand.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and trust too many. I love to laugh in the most awkward of times. I love to dance in the rain and play in the snow like I am 5 years old. I watch cartoons because it keeps the kid in me alive. I am always looking for a sale, but will splurge on that one item for my husband or our kids. I believe in miracles and dream like a child. I have a very strong faith, but sometimes, I question things in life.  I love to smile even when I am dying on the inside. I push people away when I am afraid of getting hurt.  I am as sweet as can be, till I have had enough. Sometimes I cry for no reason and sometimes, it feels great. I talk to people I have lost in the past, it gives me closure, it helps heal my soul. I am not JUST a title. I am Tamara. One of a kind. I have a slight country twang, and make fun of the very things I say. I laugh when I am called Bill, (short for hillbilly) yet, deep down, wonder if its not a way of making fun of my background.
But I no longer care what other people think, if you don't like what I have to say, don't listen to me, don't talk to me, don't ask me for advice. I will be honest no matter what. Even, if i know, that in the end, it could break someone's heart. BECAUSE, in the end, it's what they NEED to hear, and not what they WANT to hear.
I am a good person and a great friend. I can say this, because I know my worth. I know my value.
I am who I am because of my scarred and tattered past. I wouldn't change it, because it made me, me. I am now happy with the outcome. All things in life happen for a reason. Even though we might not now the why, when we are standing at Heaven's gate, we will know.
One love.

I haven't written in a while, sorry. It's been chaos around here, emotionally. I have been trying to deal with these feelings that I have going on inside of me. So far, fail. Ha ha. So I guess I am going to try to get all my feelings out today, right now.

I have been plagued with this feeling of guilt. I feel guilty because my husband came home, and other Marines didn't. I think of the things I complain about in our day to day lives, then I feel horrible. All I can think is how much Gold Star Wives would love to have their husband's home so they can complain about the small things that they do to get on their nerves. I feel like I am being selfish sometimes.

I have been to 27 funerals since I was 15. You would think that I would be use to death by now. That it wouldn't bother me as bad, now that I am "use" to it. But I am not. Well, not with Jonny's death. It has tore me apart from end to end. I think of how it's not fair (yes I know that sounds childish to say) that he didn't come home like everyone else. I haven't been able to "handle" his death at all. Still, almost 5 months later, I don't have a firm hold on the concept that he isn't coming back. I have cried in the arms of my husband, like I would (I imagine) if I lost my mother. It doesn't take much for me to cry anymore. Movies, songs, pictures, even the scenery. I am lost right now. In my head I am still stuck one March 15, 2010. I am still thinking that it's all wrong. It's like my head can't wrap itself around it. Then I think of how I feel and I think of how Rach feels. Then, I feel horrible for feeling the way that I do. I don't understand what is going on in my head right now. I feel so...."out of whack". Not sure what to do. I talk to God, I talk to Jonny... I have found that I am talking to those I can't see a lot more now a days. This, is not new to me. I am use to talking to people who I have lost. It gives me comfort. Not sure why, but it does.
Well that is all for now.

migranes and funny smells.

I have had a headache that started yesterday. When I wake up in the morning it hurts so badly and also if I take a nap with our daughter, when I wake up, my head is killing me. I have tried taking tylenol and it's not helping. Whenever I bend over it gets really intensified. There is also the coming and going of this very awkward smell, like when you get a nose bleed. It lightens up a little, but I have to turn all lights off and sit in the quite. I am really nervous and scared of what this could be. I have never had a headache like this before and NEVER with the added 'smell' or worsening when I bend over. I have read online that it can be a sign of a hemorrhage or brain tumor... I'd like to think I have neither haha. .. but I am now really scared seeing as it won't go away. I am not sure what to do right now. I don't really want to go to the hospital to find out that it is nothing, but then again, I am curious as to what it is. My doctors office cannot run a MRI or CAT scan so I starting to think that I should just go to the hospital to be safe.   Ugh I am so over being broken and always hurting. Not really sure what to do right now.
I will update later.

seriously

Okay, well I have realized that I thought I had some really good friends. I found out that is not the case. Certain people only call or send me messages when they need something. They weren't there for me when I needed them, yet, they expect me to drop everything when they need me. There situation is always devastatingly bad (even though it isn't really) and they never want to look at the plus side to anything. I just don't understand. I really don't. Why is it that they get all sad and depressed when it comes to things that they should be thankful for. If someone gets hurt, be glad they aren't dead. Why must it all be so damn sad and depressing. Why can't some people look at the silver lining. I just don't understand it at all. They live their life every day in the whole what if scenerio. What do you gain from that? Why must you turn everything, EVERYTHING, bad???

sigh

So tonite I am getting everything ready for my husband to come home. I am trying to be happy as ever, I mean, I am excited as ever that he is coming home. But. I can't help but cry. I keep thinking of while I am welcoming my husband home and crying with tears of joy, my best friend is going to be holding on to her husband's belongings and grasping on to every memory that she can. While I will be laying in the bed with my husband, she will be laying on his pillow. I don't understand why this has happened to her, and it breaks my heart. I thought I was doing so well, but I was wrong. In the midst of all this I am breaking down. I mean it's a lot to take in. She is so strong and here I am having a damn break down. I really need to get my emotions under control. haha.
Well that is all for now. I am going to try to finish cleaning. I need to get some form of sleep.

As I Lay me down to sleep

As I lay in bed at night I cry. I cry for every one of our service member who gave their all in battle. I cry for the wives, for the parents, for their children, I cry for their friends. I cry for every service member that has had to escort a Winged Hero home. For every man who has had to hand that flag to a grieving widow or mother. The pilot who has to fly them home, the drill guard that has to accept their body.  When one of our heroes gains their wings, there are so many more people affected by it besides that service members family and friends. I just wanted to take a moment to stop and think of every one whose life is touched by the saddening news of a Fallen Hero. God Bless America. Home of the free BECAUSE of the Brave.
In memory of all the Heroes that gave their all.

Anxious

So we are now just days away from my husband coming home.  He will be here Saturday morning. (0050)  I couldn't be more excited about this!!  But, when it comes to getting the house ready. I am a nervous wreck. I can't get one thought put together, let alone clean an entire house and organize. haha. Anyways, like I have said in many of my other posts, I am excited and yet saddened about homecoming. Not only will my dear friend, Rachel, be in my thoughts, but all the families who will never get to experience their homecoming with their loved ones. I looked online the other day, and JUST MARINES ALONE, from the months of October 2009 to May 2010 there were 172 Marines who gained wings. What is even more saddening is the fact that May isn't over yet. What is even more saddening then that..... there will be more guys going over there time and time again. I will constantly have this heavy worry on my heart. It will never go away. No matter how busy I get, I will always have this worry. Before Jonny was killed, I thought that I got upset when I heard about Marines being killed over there. Then, on that dreadful day, March 15, 2010 0805 my best friend called and told me what had happened to Jonny. Now, when I hear about a Marine (amy branch of the military really, Marines just hit me harder since my husband is  a Marine) being killed, or gaining their wings, as I have learned to say... I fall apart. To me it's like opening the wound all over again. I have seen the damage that is done to a family when their service member is KIA, and to be honest. I wouldn't wish that on any one. Not even my worst enemy. Anyways, I am going to go for now. Thanks for reading. Oh, and I hope that you all had a wonderful Mother's Day.

Holes in the Floors of Heaven

Words cannot express how I feel right now. I am going to try to write it all out though. (deep breath) Wednesday yet another Marine was killed in Afghanistan. Another families whole world has been shattered. My heart weeps over this. I hate the fact that I know (to some extent) of what his family is about to go through. I know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when someone you love gets carried off that plane. No movie can do it justice. I only wish that no one else would expeirence the feelings that I not only watched but went through as well.
I am suppose to go to a graduation party today... and yet I am finding it hard to go out and celebrate. Nothing in the article I read gives hint to a wife... but then again it didn't say who he was survived by.  Now there is talk about recycling our guys over there... which means that no matter what the media tried to beat into American's heads... this war is no where near from being over. After they started cycling our guys in Iraq.. it took 7 years before it got to where it is now. To me... all this means is more families are going to be tore apart. This is not fair. But I know that every man (and woman) that goes over there is ready to go and fight for their country.
Also I find it hard to not want our guys over there kicking ass when I hear about this SUV bomber and then just yesterday there was an attempted suicide bus bomb. And with that I will leave you with a quote that I found online....

Give me a hero... and I will write you a tragedy.

Admirable Friends

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars. There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a sign of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.
I have been through my own personal hell since I was 15 years old. Life was never really easy for me. My childhood was great. I grew up in a small town where everyone knows your name and they smile and wave whenever you pass them on the street. I miss my hometown. It is a very small place and it is filled with good people. There aren't a lot of tragedies in the town I grew up in. No murders, rapes, missing children. We could play in our yards and walk home from school and not worry about someone taking us. When I was 15 we moved to Indianapolis and that is when things changed. I will admit, I was naive to the actual world. Where I had grown up, it was not the real world. It was more of a novel. It was perfect. Indianapolis is where life took a drastic turn. I hated living there... no one really knew me. I made some good friends, but it wasn't the same. I went from having a class of 42, to a class of 988. BIG CHANGE. Anyways, I won't go into details of how my life was, but it wasn't easy. The only good that came from that city is my husband and my daughters. This is why I am picky when it comes to my friends. I am not saying that I am only friends with people who have had a hard life, but, it is easier to talk to people who understand, in a way, of why you are who you are. I think that this is why being a Marine Wife isn't all that hard for me. I am use to being 'Semper Gumby'. I have met some wives that have had it hard as well. There is one friend, who has just recently went through hell. The things she is going through is something I don't think I could do. Her husband was taken from her March 14 2010 in Afghanistan. I don't like to say lost... she didn't misplace him. I have never cared for that term, She lost her husband. He was taken from her. No other way to put it. I have been with her every step of the way. Don't plan on that changing. Not in the least bit. Although her life has taken a drastic shift for the worse, she is keeping her head up. She hasn't let this change her. Yes, she has her moments, but that is what makes her so strong. She lives her life the best that she can, and to be frank, she is doing a damn good job. I feel that people don't realize what they say in front of her, but that is a flaw in the human persona. We never really do realize what we do or say until it's too late. I see her eyes light up when she hears us talk about our husbands coming home. I have had to learn that she is still my friend, and that she wants to know about my husband. There for a while, I didn't want to talk to her about my husband and my fears. I didn't think that I had a right to complain to her, of all people. But, I know now that she wants to hear about these things. I just make sure that she is the one who brings  it up. She is still an amazing friend to all of us. I am so thankful to have her in my life. If it wasn't for my husband and her husband (Brad and Jonny) being friends at their MOS School I wouldn't have been blessed enough to know her and to be called her friend. She has showed me what it is to be strong. But I think I have mislead you, she's not my friend.... she's my sister.
My other friend, well, we are a lot alike. I have known her since the 7th grade. We were best friends from the get go. We look and talk just a like. Scary thing is... are baby pictures are identical. haha. She hasn't had it easy either. But her hardships came a little later in her life as well. She met an amazing man and (even though they had their ups and downs like all do) they are great together. They finally decided to try to have a baby. It wasn't too long after they started trying before she got pregnant. I was so happy for her. 5 weeks later she miscarried. This happened two more times. Her last miscarriage tore her apart. She was 4 months pregnant and she was told by the doctor to wait it out. They made her wait to miscarry her baby. It was horrible. It broke my heart. To have one miscarriage is hard.. but 3? I couldn't do it. After the third miscarriage she got pregnant again. The doctors tried to tell her that she would miscarry again she refused to believe them. She was told that she wouldn't be able to have children. But, I can now safely say that at a lil over a month old... their daughter is beautiful and healthy.
I don't know why certain things happen to certain people, like my friend whose baby boy died after a mere 4 hours. And they still don't know what went wrong. But I do like to think that everything happens for a reason. I just am not sure if I want to know that reason. My Nana always told me that hardships from the past are lessons for the future. I never really understood what that meant until a few years ago. My Nana is so full of knowledge and I try to take it all in. For when she passes, that chance to learn all of that knowledge is gone. It will be up to me to pass it on to my children. She is another person who is extra strong. She took me in and took care of me since I was 6 years old. It was hard on her because of her ailments... but she did it anyways. She is also a survivor of melanoma skin cancer. She is amazing. I could go on and on about my friends and my Nana... but to be frank.. I could write a novel. So on that note I will go. I just wanted to share a few special people in my life who have amazed me.

breath taking

Yesterday I went to the 2/2 Advon homecoming to welcome home some of me and my husbands friends, along with a good friend of mines husband. There were tents, bounce houses (for the kiddos), and a DJ. There were songs that reminded us all that yes, our loved ones were coming home. I walked around and watched these people, waiting for their loved ones with a smile on their face.  I saw women holding their babies that had not yet met their daddies. This, this made my soul cry. I thought to myself, I wonder what they are thinking, how they are feeling. I know that there is the feeling of excitement, but, I wonder... are their hearts breaking like mine? Are they thinking, as they hold their baby, of the other wives and new babies that won't get this pleasure. I felt terrible for thinking these things. This is suppose to be a joyous time. This is not suppose to be a time when all I can do is think negative thoughts. But, I couldn't help it.
When I saw the truck, with all of their gear come in, I saw the people swarm to the sidewalk with excitement. I'll admit, it was exciting. It was exciting because this was what came in before the buses. I saw the looks on the faces of all the children waiting for their daddy's to come home. I am sure that some of  the kids are nieces and nephews, maybe even cousins... but the look on their faces said it all. No matter what their relation is, they were excited to have their Marine home.
Then I heard a woman yell, and i knew right then and there, that it meant our Marines were coming. I saw kids on top of shoulders, flags waving, and tears in every persons eyes. I saw my friend crossing arms with her mother in law patiently waiting to greet her husband. Then I heard American Soldier by Toby Keith. I had to walk away.. I didn't want to ruin my friends homecoming. As I was standing there I asked God, why? Why can't my best friends husband come home. Why did you need him right now? Don't you know how bad we, she, needs him here? In the chill of the night I felt the warm tears fall down my face. I couldn't stop them, they just kept coming.  No matter how many times I wiped my face, more tears would just replace them. By the time that I got it all together again, the buses had pulled up. The interior lights were on and as I scanned the faces of those Marines, I could see them scanning the crown I was in. Looking for their loved ones. The look of relief, the look of joy. I walked with my friend as she tried to spot her husband in this sea of Marines... and the look in her eyes brought a smile on my face. Then I found myself scanning for my husband, even though he wasn't with this group, and then for Jonny. I swear I seen him there. Most would say that I mistook a Marine for him. Maybe the Marine I saw just looked a lot like him, maybe. I will never know. As I was looking around at all the happy loved ones reunited I caught a glance of a woman handing her 2 month old baby to her Marine. I saw him hold his baby like she was the most precious cargo. I cried. That's all I can say. I cried harder than I have in a while. I was overwhelmed with feelings of joy and happiness and yet heartache. I was happy that this Marine gets to hold his baby. I was filled with love, when I saw the way his wife looked at him as he held their baby. Then, almost immediately, I was filled with grief again. I couldn't get Rachel and Jonny out of my mind. So we said our goodbye's to our friends and headed home. I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't stay. I know that my friend could see how I was reacting to everything, and she kept asking if I was okay. I felt like I was taking away from her happy day. So we left and I cried the whole way home.
Next weekend will be something else. It will be my turn to welcome home my husband. Yet, I fear that I will go through the same feelings all over again. I hope that I can get through this and enjoy the fact that he is home.
I count my blessings every day. For I could not walk two steps in my best friends high heels... and I wouldn't even want to try.

Blessed

In my life I have had friends come and go. Some of them I was sad to have to let go and others, well, I wasn't. But ever since my husband enlisted in the Marines I have met some amazing wives that I now call my angels in disguise. I am so blessed to have them. They are there for me on my bad days even when their day is so much worse. Don't get me wrong I love my friends back home. (home is Indiana) I have known some of them my whole life, but the wives that I know here... they have went above and beyond the call of friendship. They come over when I need them, as I do for them. They let me rant and probably ruin their good day, but they know they can do the same with me. I thank my lucky stars that I have all the friends that I have. Yet, in the same sense my heart brakes, because I know because of EAS's and PCS'ing there will come a day when we will have to go our separate ways. I guess that's the good thing with my friends back home, they are always there. They are just 700 miles away from me right now. But, my true friends make sure they call and email me on a regular basis. This is why I am lucky. I am surrounded by people who love me and are there for me. Scratch that, I'm not lucky, I am blessed. Truly blessed. I make sure that I tell my friends that all of the time. I want them to know that I cherish them and what they do for me. The Marine Corps  has broke my heart by taking my husband away ( he's deployed) but then they heal my heart by blessing me with these wonderful ladies. I am not the best writer... but I speak from my heart. I write as the thoughts come out of my head. I'm more comfortable that way. Anyways I just wanted to blog about my wonderful friends. I love them all so very much!!!

Just saying

For those of you who might read what I write and think dear God this woman sounds stupid (lol) it sounds much better when you actually hear me speak. It makes sense if you know how I sound when I talk . No one has made these kind of comments to me... but just in case you ever caught yourself saying whaaat? haha I thought I would let you know. Not that its much clarifying for you because most of you have no idea how I sound... and for that point will never really know how I sound. I am working on typing better.... becoming a better writer. But work with me!! Most of my logs are in the moment and, well, I don't really re-read what I write. Once again, I'm sorry for my lack of writing skills but I do try. Thanks for reading and becoming my blog friends!!

what a day lol

So someone took my daughters bike today. And its not just any bike, its the bike her daddy got her from Afghanistan. So as a panicked child cried in my lap I decided to go drive around the neighborhood. Thankfully I didn't have to go far... it was 3 places down from where we live... so she was happy, as was I and now all is better... well except for the fact that my AC froze...and its 83 damn degrees outside. Its hotter outside than it is in here... but its still uncomfortably hot in this place. Not sure when it will thaw out.. but it sucks right now.. so me and the girls are in our pjs... just chilling in the house with the windows open! Hoping that maintenence will hurry up and get here and fix the problem. 
Seen a sign today outside our office that said I don't need my fake daddy anymore... welcome home daddy. I wonder if they know how lucky they are... and I wonder if while they were making that sign if they thought of all the children who will have to cling on to their fake daddies since their daddy won't be coming home. I'm happy to hear that our guys are starting to come home... my heart just breaks at the thought that my best friends husband is one who gave all... Gone but not forgotten, RIP Jonathan Porto We love and Miss you.

ho-hum

Okay... so here is how today went... *deep breath* after enjoying a rather relaxing day with Rachel and everyone else I come home to make sure that my dog hasn't completely eaten the entire house... and as I thought... he damn near did. But I can't get mad at him because I was gone for the night... and the better part of the day. So I clean that whole mess up and as I am sitting on the couch watching my girls play, I feel my eyes get really heavy... like cross eyed heavy lol. So I put some cartoons on thinking that if I can just close my eyes... and then I wake up about an hour later.... THE ENTIRE HOUSE WAS A WRECK. They manage to tear this place up quicker than any kid I have ever seen. So I sent the kids to bed.. and started cleaning again. Oh well.... I just wonder why it is that my kids decide to wreck this house so much! lol They don't do this when their father is home... guess its a mom thing. lol. So not that I have wound down from the stress of today... I think I might enjoy a beer and go to bed... well I might not do the beer.. I am still dehydrated from last night.
Buuut before I go I would like to send a special thanks to my Marine wife friends. Esp. my first wife Rach! These ladies have made being away from home easier. Even when they are going through their own personal hell... they still make my day better.. how blessed am I. To be in a new place (well we have been here a year) but they make it really feel like home.

Friends

I have went from having hundreds of friends to now just a few. I have my friends back home and then I have my military wife friends. There are not a lot of military wives that I am friends with, but I cherish these women. I never thought that women could become friends and I mean really good friends just because our husbands work in the same area or company. I was so scare moving here because I knew that I was leaving my friends behind... and one friend in particular broke my heart (yes you Jewel) Jewel was at my house every weekend.. and we talked on the phone for hours right after she left.. hell we still talk on the phone for hours... lol... but then I came up here to good all J vegas... and was introduced to who I didn't know would end up becoming one of the best friends that I ever had... my dear Rachel. I have slowly met other wives here as well... from facebook and myspace... but you know these women have always been so nice to me... they have always been there for me... when I needed them the most. I love the fact that I can wake up at 3 am and more than likely there is at least one wife that is online that i can talk to. They range from Lcpl wives to Ssgt's and above. They are a whole new breed of friends..and it is going to kill me when one of them pcs's or we pcs... because I won't have that friend right down the road again. I am truly blessed to have these women in my life. They have seen me at my high points and at my low points.. with a lot of my friends back home... it took years to get to where me and the wives here accomplished in weeks or days. I love my friends back home.. but when you realize that there is a chance that you won't have the years to build up that friendship.. you find yourself bonding with in weeks. It just truly amazes me how blessed that I am .

Run for our Heroes

I am running in honor of our heroes and for my best friends husband who was killed in Afghanistan on March 14th 2010 Cpl. Jonathan Porto. Any donation is greatly appreciated!!!!!!   Pass it on!!


 Here is the link to my page:
http://5thannualrunforthewarriors.kintera.org/faf/login/page_edit.asp?ievent=343499&lis=0&kntae343499=FCAE529DC0824B499998C2AC04BA41CD

friends

So today was Easter... hope everyone had a good one. I had a pretty good one. I was with my bestie Rachel and a few other friends. My kids were happy and that's really all that mattered to me. After the little dinner i thought that I would be able to come home and relax but our dog made sure that wasn't possible. He tore the house up. So I cleaned up everything.. and I felt my eyes getting heavy, so I thought hey if I turn on cartoons... I can close my eyes for only a moment and relax... FAIL. I woke up one hour later to find that my kids had completely tore up the house. I mean I'm talking bad mess! So I sent the kids to bed... and cleaned again. Now here I am tired... very tired... and yet I have the urge to blog! Go figure! Anyways... before I go I would love to say thank you to my wonderful friends that I have out here. I am truly blessed to have such good friends. Esp my Rachel... she's kind of my bestie lol. Anyways... these wives have made being away from home and all my friends a lot easier! Its strange because in weeks (sometimes less).. I reach a level of bonding with these girls that took years for me to reach with my friends back home. It amazes me. My bestie is going through something in her life.. that I couldn't imagine.. and yet she still manages to make me smile. I look up to her for strength.. I mean she is pretty damn amazing lol.  I love that woman. ; )
But I am going to go for now... I am very tired and have a busy day lined up for tomorrow... not sure what it is... but I am sure that it will be busy lol. Who knows the beach might be in the works for me!

hahaha

Ok so today was am okay day... got up cleaned.. the norm... then my daughter comes running in from the bathroom yelling mommy mommy i flushed the phone... I said awe no sweetie, its called a toilet your so cute.. and she yells at me and says no I flush the phone IIIiiin the toilet... now this phone is my main communication with my husband while he is deployed.. so you can imagine my panic.. so I go in the bathroom... no phone... and I do not own any wire hangers.. so I was damn near elbow deep in the toilet reaching for my phone. Finally reaching it I pull it out and its dead not turning on at all.. so step two.. frantically look through our house for my old phone that is damn near broken.. but hey at least it works. Finally find the phone.. and then I remember that I gave away my chargers for that phone. Craaaaap. So I finally find a charger and all is good with the world now.. and knowing that all of that happened.. I more than likely won't get a phone call until I no longer need another phone. lol.. that's life around here. Buuut at least I have a way to talk to him. But that was just one day. hahahaha I'll write again later.

roughness..

So a lot of things have happened since my husband left back in October... but man oh man I would love a break right about now... I mean it is getting to the point to where I am not sure if I am having a really bad dream... or if all of this is true.... I mean sometimes I say to myself... this all can't really be happening to me right!? I mean there's no way one person can handle all of this... and then my Nana tells me that God only gives us what we can  handle... and everything is a test of faith... well God can a girl get a break?? I mean I'm kind of on my wits ends... lol... but I know that in a few months I will hopefully look back at this and say... man you freaked out over everything chick!! What was you thinking!!! But right now those do not look like words that I would say lol. But we will see... everything is different when you husband is home... its all smooth and what not :) But the other thing that I have had problems with is the fact that no one really comes around anymore... and when they do come around... we really don't laugh and joke like me and my friends back home do... it makes it hard... well there are a few friends here that I can laugh with like that... but there's not near as many as back home... I mean I just don't know what to do anymore... I want to get out there... make some friends... but you know there is really no one that can touch the friendships that I have with my FBH (friends back home) I guess I expect too much of people maybe??? Am I wrong for thinking that if I bend over backwards for a friend then they should at least come over and hang out for longer than 20 minutes when all they are doing after they leave my house is going to chill at their place??? Whatever lol dueces