this town.......

Before we moved to J Vegas NC, I was a very happy go lucky woman. Nothing really made me upset. I never said things like "I hate people" I loved everyone. BUT. This town, this 'cursed' if you will , town has changed me.  It through me for a loop and shook my whole being.  I am actually seeing the true ugliness that is inside of people.  This makes me sick. I miss home, but only because I can feel more and more of me fading away. I am out of my element here, and to be frank... I don't think I will ever feel right being here. Yes, my husband is here. Yes, my kids are here. Yes, I have some friends here.  Like the black plague this town is consuming my body, breaking me down, tearing me up inside. I didn't think that a town could do that to someone. I would rather stay home than go out. I don't feel like I am me when I am out and about. I never look at the passers by I just look at the ground and hope that no one pisses me off.  To me, that is a very sad thing to admit. Usually I talk to the cashiers and anyone around me. Not now though. I do what I can to get back home as quick as I can. Ugh. I hate this feeling. I have talked to other wives and they say that they feel the same way. So, with that said I know that I am not crazy lol.  
Guess this was just a quick rant. That's all for now.

Back window looking out

No matter how hard I try I do not understand the world and the evil that exists in it. I do not understand the cruel nature of people. I just really cannot grasp this concept that in life people are going to do nothing more than hurt you.  I didn't sign up for this. This isn't the way that we as a people should be treating people.  Why?? 
Growing up we make playground best friends. We never cared what they wore, how they looked, how much money their mom and dad made. All we knew and cared about was that they played the same games as us and well, there was no better scenario than for them to become our best friend.  Then, one day, they have to move away, or maybe you move away, and you are looking through a back windshield crying your eyes out. Oh yea, straight out of a movie. They were your best friend and that will never change. You never forget your childhood friends.
So here is my thing, why is it that when we get older, move out on our own, we chose our friends by their weight, looks, what they wear, (some people even judge how much their income is) or how they act. All of the sudden because we are adults we have to become serious? What about the concept of live, laugh, love.  I always try to laugh like a child at least once a day.  This makes my soul feel better. But, being a Marine Wife made me realize that in this way of life, you have to go back to your roots and make friends on life's  playground. You don't have the time to slowly become friends. Not because you don't chose too, but because their husband's will get relocated. This sucks. One of the wives I am friends with out here is moving Thursday. I mean yes their are phone calls, but we can't come over for dinner. We can't just call each other and go to the bar together. We have to wait, till we take leave to see them. This breaks my heart. I also have another friend who is moving to San Diego in Feb. this is going to be by far the hardest friend to say good bye too.  This is going to kill me. Guess I know how my friends back home felt as I was waving to them and throwing kisses saying that I loved them. I am learning the hard way what it feels like for someone to leave you, instead of you leaving them. I thought telling them that well, we will still see each other was going to work, and it did... for me.  But, with the shoe being on the other foot... this freaking sucks. I just feel like everything is falling apart so quickly and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Nothing I can say, I feel helpless... hopeless even. I know that it's where their life is taking them, and it's probably the best for them. But, where does that leave me? Standing here drowning in my own sorrows? Losing a friend because they have to move.  No one prepared me for this. I don't care how many military wife books you read.. nothing can actually help you get over something like this.  I don't know. Maybe I am over reacting. Maybe I am not. Who cares, it's how I feel right now.

Simple life? I think not.

While talking to a friend the other day, she told me that she thought I had a pretty simple life. Maybe you can imagine how taken  back I was when she said this. There is nothing simple about being a 'stay at home mom' and there definitely isn't anything simple about being a Marine wife.  Yes, I am at home each day but, I handle all of our expenses, our kids, keep the house clean, and other things like that. I make the needed phone calls that directly impact our life. Go ahead and throw in various doctor appointments and I barely have time to think!!!  I get to enjoy my cup of coffee in the morning and maybe one show that I had recorded from the night before.  That is my relaxation. Being a mom never stops. Your kids might be asleep, but you are still up getting things done. It's non stop.  During the deployment, having to do these things all on my own?! Holy cow was that crazy. Just as soon as I would get something finished I would have another problem at my feet. And, I couldn't call Brad to get his input on it. He was over 7 thousand miles away. I couldn't call his cell, I had to wait for him to call me and at one time we had went months without talking.  But, I guess the optimistic side of a deployment is that you find a stronger side of yourself than you knew you could be.  You are mom and dad, homemaker and handyman.  You can't wait till the hubs gets home so you can bitch about things that went wrong with your day, and exactly how are you suppose to complain to your husband when he is in a war zone?!  It's not even so much that your problems are nothing compared to his, with me, it was more because I didn't want him to worry about what was going on back home. I needed to reassure him that he need not focus on us, but on him and his fellow Marines and the tasks that were ahead.  That is not easy. Sometimes when things would go horribly wrong, I just wanted to cry  to him and say I can't take it anymore... but no. I couldn't, no, I wouldn't.  I didn't feel the need to burden him with my problems. Yes, there were times when I had to pretty much jam my POA down people's throat just so I could get things done, but all in all, I made it work the best way that I could. So, after venting all that and seeing where I am in life, no, my life isn't simple, it isn't easy. But, but, but..... I wouldn't trade this life for a simple/easy life. Wouldn't trade it for a million dollars. (okay, maaaaybe for a mil, but I mean we are in a recession right!) I love the honor that is behind our life. I can proudly say that my husband has fought (and will probably do it again)  for this country and I stood by his side through the whole thing. No one can take away that pride. Our daughters know that their daddy is a Hero. He took on a job/life that most wouldn't. I can tell our girls that mommy followed daddy and supported him when most women wouldn't.  These are things that will shape our kids. 
I have met some really great people since my husband has enlisted. Some are still here, some have moved, and sadly, some gave their all for their country. But still, I wouldn't trade my high strung, stressed out, wild, crazy, unpredictable, hurry up and wait life for anything.
So I politely say to those who think my life is simple, uneventful even, you can kiss my hind end.    (hahahaha)
Life is grand. But I wouldn't be the woman I am today, if it weren't for the steps I took in the past. 
Live your life as if there is no tomorrow and dream big.  Dream as big as the canyon.

Semper Fi