seriously

Okay, well I have realized that I thought I had some really good friends. I found out that is not the case. Certain people only call or send me messages when they need something. They weren't there for me when I needed them, yet, they expect me to drop everything when they need me. There situation is always devastatingly bad (even though it isn't really) and they never want to look at the plus side to anything. I just don't understand. I really don't. Why is it that they get all sad and depressed when it comes to things that they should be thankful for. If someone gets hurt, be glad they aren't dead. Why must it all be so damn sad and depressing. Why can't some people look at the silver lining. I just don't understand it at all. They live their life every day in the whole what if scenerio. What do you gain from that? Why must you turn everything, EVERYTHING, bad???

sigh

So tonite I am getting everything ready for my husband to come home. I am trying to be happy as ever, I mean, I am excited as ever that he is coming home. But. I can't help but cry. I keep thinking of while I am welcoming my husband home and crying with tears of joy, my best friend is going to be holding on to her husband's belongings and grasping on to every memory that she can. While I will be laying in the bed with my husband, she will be laying on his pillow. I don't understand why this has happened to her, and it breaks my heart. I thought I was doing so well, but I was wrong. In the midst of all this I am breaking down. I mean it's a lot to take in. She is so strong and here I am having a damn break down. I really need to get my emotions under control. haha.
Well that is all for now. I am going to try to finish cleaning. I need to get some form of sleep.

As I Lay me down to sleep

As I lay in bed at night I cry. I cry for every one of our service member who gave their all in battle. I cry for the wives, for the parents, for their children, I cry for their friends. I cry for every service member that has had to escort a Winged Hero home. For every man who has had to hand that flag to a grieving widow or mother. The pilot who has to fly them home, the drill guard that has to accept their body.  When one of our heroes gains their wings, there are so many more people affected by it besides that service members family and friends. I just wanted to take a moment to stop and think of every one whose life is touched by the saddening news of a Fallen Hero. God Bless America. Home of the free BECAUSE of the Brave.
In memory of all the Heroes that gave their all.

Anxious

So we are now just days away from my husband coming home.  He will be here Saturday morning. (0050)  I couldn't be more excited about this!!  But, when it comes to getting the house ready. I am a nervous wreck. I can't get one thought put together, let alone clean an entire house and organize. haha. Anyways, like I have said in many of my other posts, I am excited and yet saddened about homecoming. Not only will my dear friend, Rachel, be in my thoughts, but all the families who will never get to experience their homecoming with their loved ones. I looked online the other day, and JUST MARINES ALONE, from the months of October 2009 to May 2010 there were 172 Marines who gained wings. What is even more saddening is the fact that May isn't over yet. What is even more saddening then that..... there will be more guys going over there time and time again. I will constantly have this heavy worry on my heart. It will never go away. No matter how busy I get, I will always have this worry. Before Jonny was killed, I thought that I got upset when I heard about Marines being killed over there. Then, on that dreadful day, March 15, 2010 0805 my best friend called and told me what had happened to Jonny. Now, when I hear about a Marine (amy branch of the military really, Marines just hit me harder since my husband is  a Marine) being killed, or gaining their wings, as I have learned to say... I fall apart. To me it's like opening the wound all over again. I have seen the damage that is done to a family when their service member is KIA, and to be honest. I wouldn't wish that on any one. Not even my worst enemy. Anyways, I am going to go for now. Thanks for reading. Oh, and I hope that you all had a wonderful Mother's Day.

Holes in the Floors of Heaven

Words cannot express how I feel right now. I am going to try to write it all out though. (deep breath) Wednesday yet another Marine was killed in Afghanistan. Another families whole world has been shattered. My heart weeps over this. I hate the fact that I know (to some extent) of what his family is about to go through. I know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when someone you love gets carried off that plane. No movie can do it justice. I only wish that no one else would expeirence the feelings that I not only watched but went through as well.
I am suppose to go to a graduation party today... and yet I am finding it hard to go out and celebrate. Nothing in the article I read gives hint to a wife... but then again it didn't say who he was survived by.  Now there is talk about recycling our guys over there... which means that no matter what the media tried to beat into American's heads... this war is no where near from being over. After they started cycling our guys in Iraq.. it took 7 years before it got to where it is now. To me... all this means is more families are going to be tore apart. This is not fair. But I know that every man (and woman) that goes over there is ready to go and fight for their country.
Also I find it hard to not want our guys over there kicking ass when I hear about this SUV bomber and then just yesterday there was an attempted suicide bus bomb. And with that I will leave you with a quote that I found online....

Give me a hero... and I will write you a tragedy.

Admirable Friends

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars. There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a sign of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.
I have been through my own personal hell since I was 15 years old. Life was never really easy for me. My childhood was great. I grew up in a small town where everyone knows your name and they smile and wave whenever you pass them on the street. I miss my hometown. It is a very small place and it is filled with good people. There aren't a lot of tragedies in the town I grew up in. No murders, rapes, missing children. We could play in our yards and walk home from school and not worry about someone taking us. When I was 15 we moved to Indianapolis and that is when things changed. I will admit, I was naive to the actual world. Where I had grown up, it was not the real world. It was more of a novel. It was perfect. Indianapolis is where life took a drastic turn. I hated living there... no one really knew me. I made some good friends, but it wasn't the same. I went from having a class of 42, to a class of 988. BIG CHANGE. Anyways, I won't go into details of how my life was, but it wasn't easy. The only good that came from that city is my husband and my daughters. This is why I am picky when it comes to my friends. I am not saying that I am only friends with people who have had a hard life, but, it is easier to talk to people who understand, in a way, of why you are who you are. I think that this is why being a Marine Wife isn't all that hard for me. I am use to being 'Semper Gumby'. I have met some wives that have had it hard as well. There is one friend, who has just recently went through hell. The things she is going through is something I don't think I could do. Her husband was taken from her March 14 2010 in Afghanistan. I don't like to say lost... she didn't misplace him. I have never cared for that term, She lost her husband. He was taken from her. No other way to put it. I have been with her every step of the way. Don't plan on that changing. Not in the least bit. Although her life has taken a drastic shift for the worse, she is keeping her head up. She hasn't let this change her. Yes, she has her moments, but that is what makes her so strong. She lives her life the best that she can, and to be frank, she is doing a damn good job. I feel that people don't realize what they say in front of her, but that is a flaw in the human persona. We never really do realize what we do or say until it's too late. I see her eyes light up when she hears us talk about our husbands coming home. I have had to learn that she is still my friend, and that she wants to know about my husband. There for a while, I didn't want to talk to her about my husband and my fears. I didn't think that I had a right to complain to her, of all people. But, I know now that she wants to hear about these things. I just make sure that she is the one who brings  it up. She is still an amazing friend to all of us. I am so thankful to have her in my life. If it wasn't for my husband and her husband (Brad and Jonny) being friends at their MOS School I wouldn't have been blessed enough to know her and to be called her friend. She has showed me what it is to be strong. But I think I have mislead you, she's not my friend.... she's my sister.
My other friend, well, we are a lot alike. I have known her since the 7th grade. We were best friends from the get go. We look and talk just a like. Scary thing is... are baby pictures are identical. haha. She hasn't had it easy either. But her hardships came a little later in her life as well. She met an amazing man and (even though they had their ups and downs like all do) they are great together. They finally decided to try to have a baby. It wasn't too long after they started trying before she got pregnant. I was so happy for her. 5 weeks later she miscarried. This happened two more times. Her last miscarriage tore her apart. She was 4 months pregnant and she was told by the doctor to wait it out. They made her wait to miscarry her baby. It was horrible. It broke my heart. To have one miscarriage is hard.. but 3? I couldn't do it. After the third miscarriage she got pregnant again. The doctors tried to tell her that she would miscarry again she refused to believe them. She was told that she wouldn't be able to have children. But, I can now safely say that at a lil over a month old... their daughter is beautiful and healthy.
I don't know why certain things happen to certain people, like my friend whose baby boy died after a mere 4 hours. And they still don't know what went wrong. But I do like to think that everything happens for a reason. I just am not sure if I want to know that reason. My Nana always told me that hardships from the past are lessons for the future. I never really understood what that meant until a few years ago. My Nana is so full of knowledge and I try to take it all in. For when she passes, that chance to learn all of that knowledge is gone. It will be up to me to pass it on to my children. She is another person who is extra strong. She took me in and took care of me since I was 6 years old. It was hard on her because of her ailments... but she did it anyways. She is also a survivor of melanoma skin cancer. She is amazing. I could go on and on about my friends and my Nana... but to be frank.. I could write a novel. So on that note I will go. I just wanted to share a few special people in my life who have amazed me.

breath taking

Yesterday I went to the 2/2 Advon homecoming to welcome home some of me and my husbands friends, along with a good friend of mines husband. There were tents, bounce houses (for the kiddos), and a DJ. There were songs that reminded us all that yes, our loved ones were coming home. I walked around and watched these people, waiting for their loved ones with a smile on their face.  I saw women holding their babies that had not yet met their daddies. This, this made my soul cry. I thought to myself, I wonder what they are thinking, how they are feeling. I know that there is the feeling of excitement, but, I wonder... are their hearts breaking like mine? Are they thinking, as they hold their baby, of the other wives and new babies that won't get this pleasure. I felt terrible for thinking these things. This is suppose to be a joyous time. This is not suppose to be a time when all I can do is think negative thoughts. But, I couldn't help it.
When I saw the truck, with all of their gear come in, I saw the people swarm to the sidewalk with excitement. I'll admit, it was exciting. It was exciting because this was what came in before the buses. I saw the looks on the faces of all the children waiting for their daddy's to come home. I am sure that some of  the kids are nieces and nephews, maybe even cousins... but the look on their faces said it all. No matter what their relation is, they were excited to have their Marine home.
Then I heard a woman yell, and i knew right then and there, that it meant our Marines were coming. I saw kids on top of shoulders, flags waving, and tears in every persons eyes. I saw my friend crossing arms with her mother in law patiently waiting to greet her husband. Then I heard American Soldier by Toby Keith. I had to walk away.. I didn't want to ruin my friends homecoming. As I was standing there I asked God, why? Why can't my best friends husband come home. Why did you need him right now? Don't you know how bad we, she, needs him here? In the chill of the night I felt the warm tears fall down my face. I couldn't stop them, they just kept coming.  No matter how many times I wiped my face, more tears would just replace them. By the time that I got it all together again, the buses had pulled up. The interior lights were on and as I scanned the faces of those Marines, I could see them scanning the crown I was in. Looking for their loved ones. The look of relief, the look of joy. I walked with my friend as she tried to spot her husband in this sea of Marines... and the look in her eyes brought a smile on my face. Then I found myself scanning for my husband, even though he wasn't with this group, and then for Jonny. I swear I seen him there. Most would say that I mistook a Marine for him. Maybe the Marine I saw just looked a lot like him, maybe. I will never know. As I was looking around at all the happy loved ones reunited I caught a glance of a woman handing her 2 month old baby to her Marine. I saw him hold his baby like she was the most precious cargo. I cried. That's all I can say. I cried harder than I have in a while. I was overwhelmed with feelings of joy and happiness and yet heartache. I was happy that this Marine gets to hold his baby. I was filled with love, when I saw the way his wife looked at him as he held their baby. Then, almost immediately, I was filled with grief again. I couldn't get Rachel and Jonny out of my mind. So we said our goodbye's to our friends and headed home. I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't stay. I know that my friend could see how I was reacting to everything, and she kept asking if I was okay. I felt like I was taking away from her happy day. So we left and I cried the whole way home.
Next weekend will be something else. It will be my turn to welcome home my husband. Yet, I fear that I will go through the same feelings all over again. I hope that I can get through this and enjoy the fact that he is home.
I count my blessings every day. For I could not walk two steps in my best friends high heels... and I wouldn't even want to try.