rant-ish

     Today is payday, so I went to the commissary to get nutrients for me and the kid.  How I wish I had waited for another day.  After getting my heels hit multiple times by the same person and a small child slamming his squirt gun into my face and then almost being hit by a truck, I found myself screaming in the parking lot. What is wrong with people now a days?!  Have they lost their respect for others, maybe misplaced it.  If they need help finding it, then please ask me and I will help out. 

     Then I come home feeling this great urge to just relax and all I get to see are people with a whole lot of internet courage.  You think I don't know what you are talking about, yet I do.  Difference between me and that person, I'll say what you won't and not think twice about it.  Ask people, they know.  I am tired of being that person that everyone sees as 'safe' and 'friendly'.  It gets me no form of respect.  I bite my tongue a lot because I don't like to hurt people's feelings.  It's not really my thing, but when I have to I will.  It's who I am, it's my nature.  Anyways, I just feel like if you have something to say, just say it to me.  Don't write it online in hopes that I will read it and somehow get this unsaid message.... I got it loud and clear.  All I ask is that you grow up and grow some balls and just get on with it. Tell me how you really feel!!  It's what I expect of people.  It's really all that I ask of anyone.

     I hate pity. I can't stand people who play the pity card.  Fess up to whatever it is that you are feeling and just get on with it.  It's one of my pet peeves.  Just a fore warning.  It's a good way to get bitched out.  If you take offense to what I have to say, get over yourself.  I am hormonal and moody and just really don't have the time to deal with it. 

Anyways, I am done ranting for now.  I guess I will chat chit the shit later. :)

Tamara D

It's not all gumdrops and unicorns.

     So as most of you know (I say this as if I have hundreds of followers, but I appreciate the ones I have!) I am married to a Marine and we have two daughters with another on the way.  Well, he is currently deployed.  I have reached out to some of the women of this BTN to help them....and all I hear from the ones with kids is how they are single parents while they are gone.  No, no you are not.  I have friends who are single parents.  They have to go and work longs shifts to pay the rent and they are the only ones for their kids.  They do not have a date to look forward to so that they can get their kids back in check.  They don't get the nicety of sitting at home with their kids and not have to worry about money because well, their husband is making the money.  It all depends on them.  I am not down playing how hard it is to go from getting help raising your children while your husband is home, and the fact that the kids do act out when they deploy, but at least you have someone who is there for you.  You can say, yeah, it's hard but I am doing this for my husband and for my kids.  A lot of times, these women are all their kids have.  They CONSTANTLY have to be the father and mother and at one point and time in the kids' life they will have to explain to their kids that their dad's just didn't want them so they left.  Think about that.  They only Military wives I feel empathy for are Gold Star Wives.  But, that in itself is a whole different story.
Anyways, another thing that kills me, wives who broadcast their husband's problems to the world.  I don't get it.  Seems like they are more in it for the sympathy.  I know my husband would be upset if I ever talked about any kind of illness he had. (Not saying he does, I am just saying) He would say it's not my business to tell... and he would have a valid point. Where as he is my husband, I feel and strongly believe that certain things should stay between a husband and wife, and not the whole world.  Why would you want to tell everyone about it anyways?? It's nothing to be proud of.  It's not something you brag about.  So why even talk about it? It's not a fashion statement, it's not the new 'rehab'.  I don't know it just kind of gets to me.  I have seen so many wives talk about what is wrong with their husband, and it seems like it's all they want to talk about.  I understand needing that shoulder when things get hard, but really?? Must you talk about it all of the time, bringing it up at every given moment that you can work it into? I just really don't understand some people.  Who knows.  Anyways, thanks for reading!!

Tamara D

Runnin' Rampant

     So, I spent the weekend cleaning my entire place. Front to back, side to side (haha) and I felt so accomplished after doing so.  Then, I realized that the one person who I wanted to brag about it to was gone... away at sea, God knows where doing God knows what. This kind of bummed me out, actually it bummed me out pretty bad.  I have come to see that the further along in this pregnancy I get, the more emotional I get.  (I am 8 months now)

     Right about the time I wanted to break down and cry, our youngest comes in and asks for a bed time story.  So, she grabs her daddy doll, her elly the elephant, and blanket and we go in her and her sister's room to read a story.  Now, I love reading the girls stories at night. It's relaxing to me.  Except for tonight... our youngest asked that I read the story in Daddy's voice. I know you might be thinking "awe how sweet" and it is, but tonight, it was just another reminder that he is gone for the moment.  (sigh) Anyways, I read her the story and then she asks me to read her letter from Daddy that is on the back of her daddy pillow.  After I am finished reading his letter to her, holding in all of my tears, she says to me "mommy, you can hug my daddy pillow if it will make you feel better"  TOTALLY lost it at that point.


     So, all in all I don't know what is going on with my emotions, but they are running rampant.  I hope to get back to my old "I'm tougher than shit and I can do this"  self.  I am not a fan of crying over things I can't change.  On that note, I hope all is well in your lives and I hope everyone had a great weekend.

Much love,
Tamara D

Rough Morning

I haven't blogged for a while, kind of got side tracked, so I am sorry for that. 

After being completely tuckered out from a two week long severe back ache (due to pregnancy) I took half a muscle relaxer and passed out, hoping that it would undo my pain this time around.  It worked.  When I woke up this morning my back felt AMAZING!  Then, as I open my eyes with a smile on my face, I realize that our dog (very emotional, I hate that daddy is deployed kind of dog, who happens to be a husky mix) was pee'ing on our bed. Yeah, it was awesome.  So as I get up and I am yelling a slew of cuss words and our 3 year old is yelling at Bandit how he is a "bad dog" I step in dog crap.  I look down and open my mouth and our 3 year old yells "Mommy don't cuss!!!" as if she totally knew what was coming.  So at this point I am uncontrollably (crazy person) laughing because if I don't laugh I realize I am going to cry.  So, I compose myself and decided to go out into the kitchen so I can start cleaning this nasty-ness up at 0630, only to step in butter that our daughter had spread all over the floor.  I have now stopped laughing and I am just silent.  I think both our dog and 3 year old knows mommy is not happy at this point because our 3 year old took off running dragging our dog to the safety of her room. (haha)

Later on today, our 3 year old walks out of her room to softly (and quite sweetly I might add) if she may watch Shrek 4.  I said yes (even though we have watched it about 30 times this past week) mainly because I really needed to clean. 

Needless to say, after a rough morning I field day cleaned our house and now feel accomplished and I am finally starting to show some love to our dog.

Well, I hope you got a chuckle out of my story.  Have a great day and thanks for reading!!!

First Vent Since He Deployed.

     I am trying to stay positive through this deployment, seeing as I was pretty bad when he was in Afghanistan.  Anyways, our area was hit pretty badly last night by several tornadoes.  Thankfully our home was safe.  Anyways, we lived off a certain road, a lot of my friends know this.... and when the news noted that our road had a tornado touched down, hardly any of them cared to call to see if we were okay.  Even through out the next day. Still no calls.  So once we got our phones working again, and AT&T stopped messing with my calls, I called around on friends to see how they were doing.  They informed me that they heard about how bad things got by where we live, but they figured that if it got too bad I would have called them.  When was I suppose to call?? Maybe while me and my kids are flying through the air??  BUT!!! Friends that I have never met in person were blowing up my fb to make sure that I was okay.   I don't get it.  How is it that most of my friends that claim to be there for me whenever I need it, aren't there, but friends thaT I have never met, freak out and worry about me.  NOW, this doesn't go for my wonderful friend Rach.  I was so freaked over our house, and didn't know whether or not we would have one, she drove me all the way to my house.  She held my hand the whole time, while driving in conditions that I know she wasn't comfortable with.  That my friends, is a die hard true friend right there.  I am so blessed to have a person like her in my life.  Love you Rach!!!

Our 'See you later"

     My husband left Monday to head out on our second deployment.  My emotions were running all crazy through the whole day (seeing as I am pregnant) but I did good and kept it together.  I promised myself he wouldn't see me cry.  After standing out in the rain and 34 degree weather (yes it's winter weather in March) with a couple of good friends we were finally directed to go inside.  (Nice of them to let us know the building was open the whole time).  A really good friend of ours came to see her 'brudder' off (which I know wasn't easy for her) and we had lots of laughs and made some funny memories.  After eating some delish food (thanks for that USO!) and sitting around waiting for a better part of a day we finally got word that it was time to go.  I kept saying to myself, "It's only see you later, you've been through this already, buck up lady." and it seemed to be working great.  As we gave our hugs and kisses and the girls gave daddy their love, I decided that watching the buses leave was just a little much for me.  Me, the kids, and our friends walked out to the cars and chatted for a few minutes. I finally explained that I needed to go because the buses would be leaving soon, I heard the buses start up to leave.  As I rushed to get out of the parking lot so I could beat them, I was stopped.  They let all 26 buses go in front of me.  So yes, I sat there in my car and watched each and every bus pass by me.  Oh, wait it gets better.  Now while I wanted to let some cars get in front of me it didn't happen.  So the Marines motioned for me to go forward, thus having me follow the buses all the way off base. (how fun right) but it didn't stop off base.  They were going to a port that was past where we live so I had to follow them until I turned onto my street.  STILL!!! I did not cry. I was so proud of myself. I really kept it together.  Then at 2200 I got a pregnancy craving for a Philly Cheese Steak Sub. I figured I"ll just have it delivered because I didn't want to drag our girls out in the cold, plus the had been asleep for a couple of hours.  After calling umpteen different places and finding out that they didn't deliver or where closed I had a melt down.  I walked into our room (because if my hubs isn't in the living room that is where he is) and went to ask him to go get a sub for me.  I remembered very quickly that he wasn't in our room or even in our house for that matter... he was on a ship sailing off to an unknown area.  I lost it. Completely had a melt down.  I pulled it together because I remember Domino's makes subs I called them.  They were closing.  Ugh.  After having a melt down with the woman on the phone she promised to have a sub delivered if I would stop crying. Haha.  So a big thanks to Domino's for going above and beyond to get this pregnant emotional lady a sub.   I felt so silly after wards for crying over a sub, but after talking to a good friend, realized I'm allowed to have a break down, I'm pregnant and my husband just left. 
I am feeling much better now that I had that nice long cry and talk.  So here is to a good deployment and fast deployment.

Thanks for reading!

Here's a Funny for you

    My husband left Monday for our 2nd deployment (boo I know) so to calm my nerves I decided to take a nice calm relaxing bath.  I had some soft music playing and was really enjoying it.  I had my eyes closed and when I went to open my eyes I saw a big black spider descending from our ceiling into my relaxing bath!!  As it landed in the water I jump out of the tub (screaming like a toddler who pee'd themselves on the playground)  run into our kitchen (butt naked I might add) to get our raid.  I run back into the bathroom and dowse it with raid.  Yep, ruined my bath water.  After quickly realizing that my relaxing bath was no more, I get dressed and go into the kitchen to discover that our blinds were open!!! OH NO!!!  I am pretty sure my neighbors just might have gotten to see a side of me they never thought they would have. Hahaha. 
     Moral of this story?? Always make sure your blinds are closed when choosing to take a bath, you never know when you might need to bolt through your house with no clothes on!!

Tears in Heaven

     I am sitting here looking at our calendar and it's breaking my heart seeing that tomorrow is exactly one year since a great man gained his wings and went to his duty station in Heaven.  I still can't believe it.  I wish I were able to talk to him instead of talking to a memory page.  We should be saying, "Damn dude, remember where you were a year ago?"  Now, we look back and think of how devastating March 14th (tech March 15th because that is when we found out) was for us all.  I can't believe that it's been a year.  How is that possible.  It felt as if time stood still for the longest time and no one or nothing moved.  We were all just stuck in this void.  Tomorrow I will think of you Jonny with the fondest of memories.  I will think of all of the cookouts we had, the times you and Rach came over to hang out, walking around the Maynia Fair pretending that one of my kids were you and Rach's so that she wouldn't feel left out on Mother's Day (she wanted to be a mommy so bad)  I can't believe that she got her wish with the love of her life, but then the beautiful idea of sharing a lifetime with him was ripped away from her.  I can't imagine how she will feel tomorrow.  I really can't.  I know that it is tearing me up inside. I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to say.  I'm just lost.  Funny thing is, everyone will be walking around thinking of how horrible their lives are and not even stop to think that someone else could be going through hell.  Could be crying over a grave or folded flag wishing that their life was just shitty.  Instead of the life they have now.  But, we can't change the past and I know that Jonny wouldn't want us all sad and moping around on his Angelversary.  It's going to be hard, but I will do my best to stay strong and not let it bother me. 
Miss you and love you Jonny. 
Rest Easy Marine.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF CPL. JONATHAN D. PORTO
MARCH 14, 2010  IN SUPPORT OF OEF
LEST THE BE FORGOTTEN.

ready to scrrrrrrrream

     I have reached a point in my life where people are on my last nerves.  Not just any people but more so my friends.  They are there when they need me and to be honest, I am sick and tired of always being that rock for everyone.  Who is there for me when I need it?  Not all of my friends are like this, it's just some of them.  They constantly surround me with negativity and I'm over it.  Just really done.  Call me a 'bitch' if you like but it's how I feel now a days.  They complain to me about things that they already know the answer to and it's almost like they are fishing for positive reinforcement, yet, when I tell them what they want  to hear... they tell me how wrong it is.  So what am I suppose to do?  Sit there and allow them to just make me feel negative all of the time.  They say how bad they need me, how bad their lives are right now, yet they fail to realize the crap I am going through.  Do they not know that the death of my best friend's husband (who is a great friend to me and my husband as well) one year mark is fast approaching.  Do they realize that I am going to go through a pregnancy (though I am not the first) while my husband is deployed in a combat zone and I have no family here?  I have friends, but it's not the same as having my childhood friends and family with me.  Nope, guess not.  Apparently I am just too strong to ever break down and just cry because things are getting hard.  Right now, where I am in life, it's getting hard to breath, hard to focus on one thing and keep myself out of the negativity.  Like most people though, they don't really ask how I am doing... they are simply worried about how they are feeling and how they need me to to be there for them.  I AM OVER IT.  I have a certain few friends who do not do this to me.  They may not ask me how I am doing, but this is because they know that life is getting real difficult and I don't need everyone reminding me of the circumstances I am about to go through.  They know without me saying that my heart is breaking and filled with sorrow.  They know the worries that I have.  They don't force me to talk, but they let me know that they are there for me, if I need it.  Which I can call on them.  Again though, I don't have to talk about what's bothering me... all I have to do is call, and they make me laugh. They keep my mind off of things for those few minutes. (or however long our conversation is) and I love that about them. 
Like I said, maybe I am wrong for feeling this way.. but what do you expect. One single person can only give so much before they freaking break.  I've had my fill.  My cup, over flows. 

Life.

     Sometimes I look back and think, was my life what I wanted it to be.  Was it all that I dreamed of?  Well, not really.  But, I like this version a lot better.  As a child I envisioned that I would be married to a man whom I never fought with never had hard times with.  That we lived in that perfect little house right next to my childhood friends and all of our kids were the best of friends.  We had weekend cookouts and get together's and never had one worry in the whole world.  Bleh.  Who would really want that??  It's so normal, plain.
    My life now is with my high school sweetheart.  We have had our fuss and fights, but they always make us stronger.  There were times I wanted to scream and just quit... but that made me realize how strong my love really is for him.  You can only get that mad at someone who you really love. c:  As far as that little house next to my childhood best friend?  Well, my friends moved away, far away, long before we got our own place... and out house now, is that best home I could ask for.  There is little consistency in our house.  But, the only consistency I need is that fact of when my husband can come home, he does and his love for me and our kids never changes.  But, that is all I need.  I don't need to have him home every night.  Yes, I want him hoe but I know that can't happen.  Also, the friends that I have made in our new home, in this new state, are wonderful.  They are there for me whenever I need them to be. They are part of my family.

No, my life isn't what I thought it would be when I was 5, but it's perfect for what I want/need it to be since I was 17.  I couldn't ask for a better husband or kids.  My life is perfect in our own way.  I love that about my family.  Always will and always have. No matter what that will never change. 

Well that's all for now... guess I oght' to be going.  Yall take care and have a blessed day.

Oh holy Bandit.

    We have a dog named Bandit.  Not sure how many of you have saw the movie Marley and Me but he is our little Marley.  He's eaten everything possible and a couple of things that make you wonder, how the hell did he do it. Like, my pots for example.  Yep, he chewed those bad boys right up.  All probably because he was mad I went to a friends house.  He's emotional like that.
     Anyways, every time we leave for any amount of time, we always wench when we open the door and NOT see him standing there wagging his tail.  This is because if he isn't at the door it means that he has eaten/pooped/tore up things he shouldn't have.  God knows I love him, and when the sad time comes that he passes on, I won't be crying saying "Good bye clearance puppy" I'll be standing there crying "Goodbye deployment puppy".  I have scars from where he has gotten too rowdy and the house is tainted with teeth and nail marks from times he was left by his lonesome self and about every other day I yell how much I can't stand that damn dog. But, today, I watched our 3 year old lay on the ground next to him and pet him and he just laid there.  He would give her the occasional lick every now and then, but it melted my heart.  He is more of a good dog than he is a bad dog.  I guess I shouldn't get so mad at him, he is just a dog and I would be devastated if we ever lost him.  Just like family members, I now dread yet another day where I will lose another great loved one. 
I guess you could call this my Ode to Bandit.  Just a dog owner professing her love for her pal.  He's not just a man's best friend, he's this whole family's best friend. 

 when he was just a new pup

 another shot of him when he was still "todd"

 Bandit laying in front of the door, his fav. spot to lay

 getting use to his new home.  he was officially bandit then!

 fav sleeping position.

 he hates his picture being taken

 Him laying on his daddy like a damn baby hahaha

His tuggin rope.  He loves that thing!


Well I guess that is all for now.  Not much more to say to all of that.  If you have a dog/cat (even though I'm not a cat person haha) in your life, make sure that you give them extra pets, scratches, and good noms because it lets them know that you do love them. It's like a hug or kiss from your loved one, just in a dogs eyes.