breath taking

Yesterday I went to the 2/2 Advon homecoming to welcome home some of me and my husbands friends, along with a good friend of mines husband. There were tents, bounce houses (for the kiddos), and a DJ. There were songs that reminded us all that yes, our loved ones were coming home. I walked around and watched these people, waiting for their loved ones with a smile on their face.  I saw women holding their babies that had not yet met their daddies. This, this made my soul cry. I thought to myself, I wonder what they are thinking, how they are feeling. I know that there is the feeling of excitement, but, I wonder... are their hearts breaking like mine? Are they thinking, as they hold their baby, of the other wives and new babies that won't get this pleasure. I felt terrible for thinking these things. This is suppose to be a joyous time. This is not suppose to be a time when all I can do is think negative thoughts. But, I couldn't help it.
When I saw the truck, with all of their gear come in, I saw the people swarm to the sidewalk with excitement. I'll admit, it was exciting. It was exciting because this was what came in before the buses. I saw the looks on the faces of all the children waiting for their daddy's to come home. I am sure that some of  the kids are nieces and nephews, maybe even cousins... but the look on their faces said it all. No matter what their relation is, they were excited to have their Marine home.
Then I heard a woman yell, and i knew right then and there, that it meant our Marines were coming. I saw kids on top of shoulders, flags waving, and tears in every persons eyes. I saw my friend crossing arms with her mother in law patiently waiting to greet her husband. Then I heard American Soldier by Toby Keith. I had to walk away.. I didn't want to ruin my friends homecoming. As I was standing there I asked God, why? Why can't my best friends husband come home. Why did you need him right now? Don't you know how bad we, she, needs him here? In the chill of the night I felt the warm tears fall down my face. I couldn't stop them, they just kept coming.  No matter how many times I wiped my face, more tears would just replace them. By the time that I got it all together again, the buses had pulled up. The interior lights were on and as I scanned the faces of those Marines, I could see them scanning the crown I was in. Looking for their loved ones. The look of relief, the look of joy. I walked with my friend as she tried to spot her husband in this sea of Marines... and the look in her eyes brought a smile on my face. Then I found myself scanning for my husband, even though he wasn't with this group, and then for Jonny. I swear I seen him there. Most would say that I mistook a Marine for him. Maybe the Marine I saw just looked a lot like him, maybe. I will never know. As I was looking around at all the happy loved ones reunited I caught a glance of a woman handing her 2 month old baby to her Marine. I saw him hold his baby like she was the most precious cargo. I cried. That's all I can say. I cried harder than I have in a while. I was overwhelmed with feelings of joy and happiness and yet heartache. I was happy that this Marine gets to hold his baby. I was filled with love, when I saw the way his wife looked at him as he held their baby. Then, almost immediately, I was filled with grief again. I couldn't get Rachel and Jonny out of my mind. So we said our goodbye's to our friends and headed home. I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't stay. I know that my friend could see how I was reacting to everything, and she kept asking if I was okay. I felt like I was taking away from her happy day. So we left and I cried the whole way home.
Next weekend will be something else. It will be my turn to welcome home my husband. Yet, I fear that I will go through the same feelings all over again. I hope that I can get through this and enjoy the fact that he is home.
I count my blessings every day. For I could not walk two steps in my best friends high heels... and I wouldn't even want to try.